


Resentment

by StonedWitch



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anne Shea is Alive, Cabin murderer was never discovered, F/M, Graphic Description, Inspired by the song "Resentment" by Kesha, Internalized Homophobia, Lukas is a top motocross guy or whatever, Lukas misses Philip, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Philip deserves to be happy, Philip is a photographer, Rose left Lukas, but he's too much of a pussy to admit it, lukas has nightmares
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:13:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27851454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StonedWitch/pseuds/StonedWitch
Summary: What if Lukas never confessed and Philip left Tivoli in episode six like he was supposed to?Philip Shea would be lying if he said that he hadn't thought about Lukas Waldenbeck at all in the last five years. Though that would be nice, he has. He's thought about all of it. The cabin, Helen and Gabe, Tivoli, Lukas. His therapist told him that was normal, however, and Philip is proud to say that he thinks about all of those things less often now. That is, until Philip is hired to shoot glamour shots of some new, big-shot motorcycle guy for a sports magazine and everything comes crashing down on him once again.Lukas Waldenbeck likes to think he's got it all together: he made it out of Tivoli, he's on track to becoming one of the biggest names in motocross, and he has girls fawning over him wherever he goes. When he tells his dad or friends how he's doing, he doesn't mention his nightmares that keep him from sleeping most nights nor the cold feeling he gets in his chest whenever someone brings up the cabin murders. Lukas Waldenbeck pretends because if he pretends, maybe one day it'll be real. That plan comes to a halt when a press tour brings him closer to the past than he ever wanted to be.
Relationships: Gabe Caldwell/Helen Torrance, Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck, Rose/Lukas Waldenbeck (past)
Comments: 45
Kudos: 62





	1. I feel loved, darlin' I feel used

The Manhattan roads were lined with rainbow--everything rainbow--rainbow banners, signs, painted storefronts and, well, everything. Philip had almost forgotten it was June, or rather, what June meant. The new decor was in striking contrast to the scene he remembered just a few days ago.

They work fast, Philip thought to himself.

He looked over at his friend Phoebe in the passenger seat, “Shit, is it Pride month already?”

Phoebe, who’s brown eyes didn’t bother to even glance up from her phone, mumbled out an apathetic “guess so” as she continued typing away furiously.

Philip, ignoring her obvious lack of interest, continued talking to Phoebe, “We should do something,” he suggested as he looked over at her once more, “when’s the parade?”

“Don’t know,” Phoebe’s dark eyebrows were now sitting angrily above her eyes, the dark skin above the bridge of her nose wrinkling together in little fine lines as she stared down at the screen.

Philip rolled his eyes and turned up the volume on the radio, the sound of Bon Iver’s “Blood Bank” drowning out the wave of lesbian angst coming from beside him. She had been this way ever since he picked her up from her work, didn’t even explain why she was suddenly out of a car, just tossed her purse in the backseat and immediately got to tapping her perfectly manicured nails on her screen once she sat down. Philip assumed it was because of her girlfriend, Maddison, they were always in some type of argument.

“She’s so fucking careless sometimes,” Philip pulled his eyes away from the street to glance over at Phoebe.

“Maddie? What happened this time?” Philip asked.

Phoebe, who was now looking out the passenger window, sighed out a response Philip couldn’t quite hear.

“What?” He asked, leaning slightly towards her in an attempt to hear her better.

Phoebe looked at him and rolled her eyes before closing them tightly, “She stole my car.”

“She WHAT?” Philip whipped his head towards her, causing the car to swerve a little into the other lane. A series of honks sounded off around them.

“Dude, watch the fucking road!” Phoebe grasped the handlebar above her head as she slapped Philip’s arm.

“She _stole_ your fucking car?”

“Well, she didn’t exactly _steal_ it-” Phoebe quickly tried to backpedal on her words.

Philip was now pulling into Phoebe’s parent’s driveway, “Well did she steal it or not, Phoebs?”

“She called me at work this morning, asking if she could borrow my car to run some errands. I told her that if she could find some way to get there that I would give her the keys and when I did, she told me that she would get the car back to me before the end of my shift.” Phoebe explained, rubbing her temples.

“And she didn’t.” Philip said.

“And she didn’t!” Phoebe threw her hands in the air dramatically, “So I fucking texted her, asking her where the hell my car is and she’s not responding so here I am, thinking that she’s gotten into a fucking wreck or something-” Phoebe paused to catch her breath, “but then I get a call from one of her friends telling me that she’s tripping out in some pub’s bathroom-”

Philip’s ears perked up, “She’s still using?” Maddie has had a complicated past with drug use, but Philip was under the impression that it was under control.

“I fucking guess so,” Phoebe answered before continuing on with her story, “So of course I start freaking out on this guy, telling him to get her to a hospital or something, and he’s fucking out of it too so he can’t even spell the word hospital at this point-”

Philip tries to hold back a laugh.

“-and I tell him to give her the phone and so he does and she’s barely able to put words together so I start freaking out EVEN MORE and I tell my coworker to call 911 and send them to the pub’s address.” Phoebe paused and Philip could tell she was calming herself down. “I stayed on the phone with her until the ambulance got there and then I texted you.”

“Is she okay?” Philip turned himself so he was completely facing Phoebe now.

“She’s stable, I called her brother before you came to get me to let him know and he’s been keeping me updated from the hospital.”

Philip nodded his head sympathetically as Phoebe started to cry.

“I thought she was gonna fucking die.” Phoebe sobbed out, Philip hesitatingly reached out to rub her shoulder. He’s never been good at comforting people, he could only think of one person he ever did.

Philip mentally tallied the thought, that was only the fifth time this week, he thought to himself.  
Phoebe smiled wryly at Philip’s attempt to comfort her and lightly shrugged his hand off her shoulder, to Philip’s relief.

“Do you want me to drive you to go pick up your car?” Philip offered.

“Nah it’s okay, you’ve done enough for me. I’ll ask my mom to drive me.” Phoebe explained as she opened the car door and stepped out. “Thanks for the ride, Philip. You’re the best.”

Philip made a gesture with his hand as if to say “it's no problem” and waved goodbye to her as she got out.

* * *

Phoebe’s parents house was around thirty minutes away from Philip’s apartment but he didn’t mind, the drive home gave him time to think. It took him a while to get comfortable with just _thinking_. For the first three years after Tivoli all he did was think--think about how Lukas just left him for dust the way he did, think about how Helen and Gabe didn’t fight for him, think about all the potential lives he put in danger by not coming forward about the cabin. It was enough to drive him crazy.

Hell, it nearly did, he thought.

But now, Philip could think comfortably. Controllably. He could choose when to think about the cabin, or Helen and Gabe, or Lukas. If there was the occasional thought gone awry, Philip would tally them and share them with Dr. Bradfield, his therapist, at their next session.

Philip noticed how the Manhattan sky was a smear of grey hue above him as he drove, and it made him think of the sky in Tivoli. That damned place was always so grey. Except on the days when he was with Lukas, when the sky seemed to open up with color around them.

Philip laughed a little to himself, things always led back to him. He thought it was ridiculous for the longest time, how he could be so attached to someone he only knew for a few months. When he started seeing Dr. Bradfield, she had to work really hard to convince him that that kind of attachment to someone you share trauma with is normal. But Philip had, and maybe still has, this sneaking suspicion that even had the cabin murders not happened, he would have followed Lukas wherever he went. Even if it meant a lifelong sentence to the closet, even if it meant staying in Tivoli as some mistress to Lukas in a far off future.

Maybe it’s better that the cabin murders did happen, Philip joked to himself.

The jokes help Philip; if he doesn’t joke around every now and then during these thinking sessions, he’ll get angry or start to spiral. He’ll dig up that feeling of being used out of whatever dark abyss it crawled into and use it to fuel some rage-inspired activity. Philip was like that for the longest time after he left Tivoli, mad. Mad at Lukas, at the world. Sometimes he still is, but it’s a more justifiable feeling. It’s not the same feeling that drove him to not speak to his mother for a year after he got back; not the same feeling that made him sabotage every chance he had at a foster family until he aged out of the system; not the feeling that made him get drunk a few years ago and drive all the way back to Tivoli just to throw beer bottles at the cabin and scream at the Universe.

No, not that feeling. Never that feeling again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it this far, I'd just like to thank you so much for reading! I'm sorry if this first chapter didn't give you the philkas content you were hoping for but I wanted the first two chapters to just basically give the readers a rundown on where our boys' mindsets are in the story! Next chapter will be Lukas' perspective. This is my first time publishing a story on ao3 so I hope it comes out okay. I hope to have the next chapter up by Saturday but there is a chance I might get it up before then! It all depends on how school goes lol.


	2. nobody makes me feel the way you do

The chilled wind whipped around Lukas’ body, pulling and shoving him in different directions as he soared through the air. Time always seemed to slow down when he was up here--in the middle of a big jump, nothing but free falling for feet and feet. He doesn’t have to worry about anything except the gravity that pulls him down, down, down- 

And then he’s back to reality. 

As Lukas feels his bike hit the ground, he can’t help but think about how much he hates it--the landing. Not because it scares him or anything, God knows he lost that fear a few months after he started riding for the first time. It’s not like it hurts anymore either, ever since the sponsorship he’s got the best bike, gear, anything every rider could ever want for a smooth landing. No, Lukas hates it because the ground always comes too fast. He never has enough time to enjoy the feeling of just _falling_ , as soon as he starts to feel that familiar twinge of bliss--his wheels hit the ground and suddenly he’s- 

“Lukas!” The sound of his agent’s voice cutting through the revving of his bike dragged Lukas out of his thoughts as he cut the wheel. 

“What’s up, Brett?” Lukas asks his manager as he takes his helmet off, the cold air hitting his bare skin for the first time. It wasn’t this cold when he started riding. 

Brett, who was formerly standing off to the side of the dirt track, came running up to him. 

“How long have you been out here, man?” He asked. 

Lukas begrudgingly looked at the watch he only wore because Brett told him too, saying it would help him manage his time better. 

The short hand was resting just the slightest bit after eight. 

“Crap,” Lukas hadn’t realized how long he’d been out, “like six hours I think.” 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Lukas,” Brett scoffed as turned away from his client exasperatedly. 

“I didn’t know-” 

“The goddamn sun setting didn’t give you a hint?” Brett cut him off before Lukas could finish his excuse. 

In Lukas’ defence, he really didn’t know. He never really notices things like the change from day to night anymore, especially not in the city. The stars don’t come out like they do in Tivoli, don’t come out at all really. And the stadium lights around the track make it look like it’s midday all the time, anyways. 

Lukas started walking his bike up the track, not responding to Brett’s comment. 

“How’d you even know I was here?” Lukas asked as he passed Brett. 

Brett scoffed again, turning to follow him, “You’re always here.” 

Lukas could hear the slight aggrieved tone in his agent’s voice and he hated it. It’s not like he has anywhere else to go. 

“It’s not like I have anywhere else to go.” He announced his thoughts as his pickup truck came into view. 

“Yeah right,” Brett laughed as he ran ahead of Lukas “you have your condo, dude,” he finished, now walking backwards as he faced Lukas. 

Lukas didn’t say anything as he approached his truck, just gestured to tell Brett to help him with the bike ramps. 

Brett complied and pulled one of the ramps out of the bed of the truck while Lukas handled the other, both working together to push the bike up the ramps. Usually Lukas drove his bike to and from the track, but he wanted to save up the gas he had for training. 

Once the bike was loaded and secured in the bed of the truck, Lukas turned to face Brett. 

“So what did you need?” He asked, not really wanting to continue the conversation. It was now way too cold for June and his new riding clothes didn’t offer him the same warmth his old ones did. 

Brett didn’t say anything for a second, just looked at Lukas’ slightly shivering frame and shook his head.

“Did you not eat today or something?” Brett finally asked, a hint of concern in his voice. 

Fuck this guy, Lukas thought. 

Lukas rolled his eyes and flipped Brett off, walking to the driver side door of his truck. 

“Yeah I fucking ate, why?” Lukas was turning hostile now. He didn’t know why, but he’s always been uncomfortable with other people worrying about him. It made him feel meek, like he was that little kid who cried uncontrollably at his mom’s funeral again. There’s only ever been one person who managed to do it in a way that didn’t make him feel inferior. 

The memory spread a warmth throughout Lukas’ chest before turning ice cold. 

Brett shrugged as Lukas hopped into the truck, “I don’t know you’re grouchy and you’re shivering like crazy in June-”

“It’s cold as balls out here, that’s why!” Lukas retorted through the open window, turning the key in his truck’s ignition. 

Brett put his hands up in mock surrender, “Alright, alright,” he mumbled. “Anyways, before you go-” 

“Ughhh” Lukas groaned. 

“Oh hush for a second,” the other man said, “there’s a sports magazine based in Manhattan that wants to do a feature on you for their next issue, you down?” 

“Do I have to _go_ to Manhattan?” Lukas griped at the thought of driving from Brooklyn to Manhattan despite it only being a 30 minute drive. 

Brett rolled his eyes, “Yeah but _I’ll_ drive you.” 

Lukas thought it over, he’s been interviewed for a few blogs before--even a podcast here and there--but never a magazine. The thought both excited him and made him want to puke. This is all he’s ever wanted. First being selected to compete in the U.S AMA Circuit, and now a feature in a magazine? 

It’s almost too good to be true, Lukas thought. 

Sometimes, when Lukas is really tired, he’s noticed, he gets paranoid. Everything positive in his life suddenly seems like a hoax, a ploy to make him happy just so it can be taken away from him. 

Like he deserves, Lukas thought. 

“Yo!” Brett called out as he snapped his fingers in front of Lukas’ face, who hadn’t realized he zoned out. 

“Oh, uh yeah I’ll go,” Lukas finally responded. “When is it?” 

“Tomorrow, we have to be there at-” Brett paused to look at his phone “-four PM.” 

“Okay, text me the details later,” Lukas said before rolling up his window and beginning to drive off. 

* * *

Lukas hated his condo. He’s hated it ever since he moved in. It’s too cold, too plain, too city, too…lonely, Lukas finally settled on. 

When he was first looking at it when he was touring places to live, it was the first place he looked at and he had Bo and Brett with him. His dad was so proud of him, kept patting him on the back, telling the realtor that Lukas’ was paying for his home all by himself--that he was “an up-and-coming motocross legend”. Lukas felt so at home here, so accepted and warm. But once he was moved in and his stuff was all unpacked and his dad left, he didn’t like it as much anymore. 

He invited friends over for a beer, sometimes even going as far as to invite random girls who flirted with him at the club over to spend the night; they were always too drunk to do anything though, which Lukas didn’t mind. No matter what he did, the condo never felt like a home, just a shell. The nights were the worst, Lukas decided after living there for a month. The city sounds kept him up when the nightmares didn’t; however when the nightmares _did_ keep him awake, he would just lie awake shaking, cold sweating, trying to think of Tivoli to calm him down. 

Trying to think of Philip. 

Lukas ran his hands frustratedly through his now brown hair--he stopped dying it once he got the sponsorship, they said it made him look more professional--and sat on his bed, taking off his shoes and throwing himself down onto the mattress without bothering to change his clothes as he closed his eyes. 

It wasn’t long before he woke up screaming himself hoarse, jolting upwards just before the cabin shooter could open the closet doors. Lukas’ heavy breathing filled the silence in his room as he felt around his bed for his phone. 

He hesitated before clicking it, like he always did. But eventually, like he always did, he pressed the play button and stared at the screen. Philip’s voice coaxing Lukas’ down from his frightened state, just like it used to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I failed an exam today and instead of taking a depression nap I decided to write the second chapter lol. You guys were so kind about the last chapter and it really made my day a whole lot better:) I had a lot of fun writing this one, though it is kinda depressing. I wanted this chapter to really show how messed up Lukas is because I'd imagine that without the closure of finding out who the killer was, he'd be pretty fucked up in the head but try to ~hide it~ because he wouldn't know what else to do. If the end confused you: he's watching the video Philip made him in episode six! No one ever mentions that video in fics so I thought it would be cool to include. I'll put the third chapter (which will be Philip's perspective) up on Saturday because I don't want to overwhelm you guys lol. If you've made it this far, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read this fic! I never thought people would enjoy my writing but now I know that a couple people do and that makes me so happy.


	3. isn't that just the thing about us?

Philip loved being in the freelance photography business, he loved making his own hours, he loved the feeling of capturing an entire moment in one single millisecond. He could spend hours out in the city, just stealing little glimpses into other people’s lives through his camera lens. 

But there were also times when Philip hated it. 

Like that time when he was fired from a photoshoot because the uber-evangelical Christian model found out he was gay. 

Or that other time when he was hired to take photos of some underground rock band’s first concert, and the band never paid him. 

Or like times right now, when his stomach was minutes away from eating itself from the inside out and he had nothing but ketchup and water bottles in his fridge. 

“Yeah,” Philip said aloud to himself, “definitely wish I had gone into accounting or some shit right now.” 

He had used the last of his money to pay the rent on his apartment, even had to beg his landlord to accept a credit card to make up for what his bank account couldn't cover. Anne offered to help, but Philip knew his mom’s finances were no better than his. 

And it’s not like it’s easy to find gigs around here, the high end companies find someone with more experience or a degree from some bigshot university; meanwhile, the places who  _ would _ accept Philip’s lack of both credentials and a degree, have already found some other poor kid willing to do work for pennies on the hour. 

Philip sighed and continued to stare intently at his fridge, willing food to appear like some long-hidden magical powers were going to suddenly reveal themselves to Philip. 

When that didn’t work, Philip picked up the phone to call Phoebe. 

Maybe she’ll want to buy me lunch as a reward for being such a great friend, Philip thought. 

“Holy shit, I was just about to call you.” Phoebe’s slightly raised voice rang through Philip’s head and he moved the phone an inch further away from his ear. 

“Why?” He asked, somewhat concerned. “Is Maddison okay?” 

“What? Oh yeah she’s fine, they discharged her into a rehab facility. I'm going to visit her later today.” 

Philip could hear slight chewing sounds coming from the other end of the line, like Phoebe was eating something. 

Must be nice, he thought. 

“Anyway,” Phoebe continued, “guess what?” 

Philip rolled his eyes and sat on his kitchen counter, “What?” 

“Okay, so you know how I’m like the greatest friend in the world?” Phoebe joked and Philip swore he could  _ hear _ the smirk in her voice. 

“Yeah,” Philip scoffed, “sure.” 

“Well,” Phoebe dragged out the end of the word, “I have this friend that is interning at some sport magazine based around here and” Phoebe dragged out the word again, “she was in charge of contacting a photographer to shoot for some feature on this new motorcycle kid-” 

“Motorcycle kid?” Philip asked, not comprehending why a sports magazine would care about a guy who rides motorcycles. 

“Yeah something like that,” Phoebe responded, “now let me finish!” 

Philip laughed, she sounds excited, he thought. 

“So long story short, she was complaining to me this morning about not being able to find a photographer and how she’s gonna lose her internship and blah blah blah whatever,” Phoebe rushed, “so, like the amazing friend I am, I gave her your name and info-” 

“And?” Philip waited, standing up on his feet. 

“God, you’re so impatient sometimes you know tha-” 

“Phoebe!” Philip yelled and he could hear his friend laughing. 

“Okay, okay, she said that she was willing to take anyone at this point and basically you got the job.” 

Philip broke out laughing, not even taking offense at Phoebe’s friend’s comment. 

“I know, I know, I’m amazing. It pays 150.” 

Philip suddenly stopped smiling, “For the entire shoot?” 

He could hear Phoebe sigh. 

“Yeah, but it’s better than nothing right?” She asked.

Philip took a moment to stare into his empty, depressing fridge again. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled. 

“Okay then, you have to be at the magazine’s headquarters at 4-” 

“Phoebs, that's in like one hour!” Philip interjected, she couldn’t have called him sooner?

“Well it's not like it's far!” 

Philip rested his head against a wall and groaned.

“I don’t even know where it is!” He argued. 

“I’m sending you the address right now,” Phoebe said, and sure enough, Philip felt his phone vibrate as a message came in. “They know your name, just go to the front desk and tell them who you are. You’ll be directed from there.” 

Philip nodded his head and tried to build up his confidence, he was used to having more time for things like this. 

“Okay,” he finally said. 

“You’ll do great, you always do.” Phoebe encouraged. 

“Thank you.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, “think of this as me giving thanks for helping me out yesterday.” 

Philip laughed and said goodbye to Phoebe before ending the call. 

Now he just had to remember where he put his camera.

* * *

The magazine, “Sportslux” as Philip had learned, must have been fairly new. Philip noticed that the “headquarters” was just a small office space inside a business park. It wasn’t too small, just a lot less massive than the buildings that surrounded it. The two story building had “Sportslux” written out in big, green colored frat guy font across the first floor main windows. 

Philip couldn’t help but laugh as he approached the building, it reminded him of Lukas’ bike--green, tacky, yet still somewhat charming. 

Philip once again tallied the thought as he opened the big glass doors, a blonde woman sitting behind a sleek black desk smiled at him as he entered. 

“Hello and welcome to Sportslux,” the woman said, words sounding rehearsed yet not forced, “how can I help you?” 

“Um, hi” Philip began, “I’m Philip Shea I was told to come here to take some photos,” Philip finished as he held up his camera like it was some sort of ID. 

“Oh!” The woman said excitedly. “You’re here for the feature photoshoot! You came just in time, follow me.” 

Philip watched as the woman stood up and shuffled around her desk and followed her when she began to walk towards the back of the building. 

“The interview is almost done so they should be coming downstairs soon,” the woman said as she opened one of the doors that led into a large garage type area. “This is where the photoshoot will be.” 

Philip looked around, it was somewhat dark but there were box lights all around them. A large backdrop with some organization’s name was propped up by the back wall and Philip cringed, they couldn’t take the photos outside? 

“We can’t take the photos outside?” Philip asked the woman, who pursed her red, glossed lips. 

“Oh I know, it’s not the ideal set,” she admitted as she clamped her hands together, “but the business park doesn’t allow photoshoots for commercial use on the outside property.” 

“Oh it’s okay, I can make it work.” Philip said as he smiled at the woman, trying to make up for possibly coming across as rude.

The woman returned the smile and walked back towards the door they entered through. 

“I have to get back to my desk but they will be down here soon. When you guys are all done, come see me for your check.” The woman explained. 

Philip nodded appreciatively and stood awkwardly once the woman left, the big empty space making him a tad bit uncomfortable. He decided to make himself busy by setting up the box lights, moving them around so the light will hit--whoever he’s taking photos of-- just right. 

As he was moving the last one, Philip suddenly heard the door open and turned his head toward it. 

“It’s always something with that kid-” A man, about a couple inches taller than Philip with ashy blonde hair, walked through the door. 

“Oh hi,” the man began walking over to Philip, “you must be the photographer, I’m Brett Hammly.” The man extended his arm out to Philip for a handshake. 

Philip shook his hand and began to introduce himself, “Yeah hi, I’m-” 

“I am so sorry about my client, he was completely flustered after his interview--don’t tell him I told you that--and he needed to take a break, he should be here any minute,” the man, Brett, explained. 

“Oh, yeah that’s understandable,” Philip said as he ran his hands hesitatingly through his hair insecurely. Brett looked put together, his hair was perfectly slicked down; his button down shirt was tucked neatly into his black dress pants. 

Philip suddenly felt underdressed in his crewneck sweater and jeans. 

“Anyways, what did you say your name was?” Brett asked. 

“It’s-” 

“Philip?” 

And it was in that moment, that Philip realized why this magazine was so interested in a kid who rides motorcycles because it  _ wasn’t  _ motorcycles, Phoebe must have heard it wrong or not have been bothered enough to specify. No, it wasn’t motorcycles, it was motocross, _ _ because when Philip shifted his eyes to make sure he heard the voice that said his name correctly, Lukas Waldenbeck was standing just inside of the room, the door that slammed behind him echoing around them. 

Philip’s breath hitched in his throat as he stared at an equally surprised Lukas. They were some feet away from each other but Philip could notice one thing: Lukas’ hair was brown now, but still shaggy and long like it was when Philip last saw him. 

When he last saw him five years ago, after Lukas’ left him. 

And even with that memory, Philip still couldn’t stop the fluttering of his heart when he noticed just how  _ beautiful  _ Lukas looked, like he always looked. 

The thought rang through Philip’s mind as Brett began speaking. 

“Do you two know each other?” Brett asked, gesturing between the two boys as they continued to stare straight into each other’s eyes. 

“Um-”

“No,” Lukas interrupted Philip and tore his eyes away from him and onto Brett, “the lady who interviewed me told me his name.” 

And with those words, Philip was back in Tivoli: a depressed, frightened teenage boy who would do anything--go along with anything--just to make the tall boy who jumped bikes and had a pretty smile happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you guys go! They finally met! The next chapter (Lukas' perspective) will dive way more into their interactions and feelings. Thank you guys for being so kind in the comments on the last chapter. I don't know when I will get the next chapter up, I will plan on tomorrow (Sunday) but I have some projects i need to work on for school so we'll see. If it's not up tomorrow it'll be up by Wednesday. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and that it lived up to your expectations of them finally meeting :). I would love to hear y'alls thoughts on the story so far and your predictions in the comments. You definitely don't have to if you don't want to, it just brings me so much joy to see your guys' thoughts and feelings.


	4. i'm still thinking you could be the one

Lukas thought he was dreaming when he saw Philip--thought he must have passed out and hit his head in the bathroom. And to be honest, he wasn’t exactly disappointed with the dream, Philip looked healthier, more content in this one compared to the other dreams of Lukas’ he had been in. His hair was fluffy rather than matted down with blood, his skin a nice olive tone rather than the sickly grayish color Lukas was so accustomed to seeing on Philip whenever he came to him in his nightmares; and his eyes--his eyes were the warmest, brightest shade of brown rather than blown out through the back of his skull, leaving nothing but empty sockets in their place. 

Yeah, Lukas thought, I much prefer this dream over those ones. 

But Lukas wasn’t dreaming, he had discovered, because no matter how hard he pinched himself or how many times he internally yelled at himself to wake up, he didn’t. 

And boy did Lukas’ want this to be a dream--any dream--because no matter what Lukas did, Philip wouldn’t  _ look _ at him. He barely even talked to Lukas, just mumbled posing directions under his breath and flashed that fucking bright ass camera in his face. Lukas didn’t remember Philip’s old camera, well, Tommy’s camera, being that bright. 

The bright side was that it gave Lukas an excuse to look at Philip,  _ really  _ look at him. He looked like he had put on a little muscle, Philip’s shoulders were broadened and his hands had these thick veins popping out from under the skin, but his frame still leaned more on the slender side. His hair, Lukas observed, was longer now--the back of it growing just above the nape of Philip’s neck while the front remained in the style Lukas was used to seeing it in. 

“Lukas,” Philip’s voice, rising just above a mumble for the first time that day, had snapped Lukas out of his scrutinizing. 

Lukas cleared his throat, “Yeah?” 

“I need you to look at the camera,” Philip said, tone flat. 

Oh shit, Lukas thought. 

“I am?” Lukas responded, trying his best to sound oblivious as he furrowed his brows. 

Philip rolled his eyes and Lukas had a mini flashback of all the times Philip had done that same thing, he wasn’t used to seeing it out of the context of a sarcastic comment or a joke. 

“No,” Philip eyed Lukas’ as he spoke, “you’re not.” 

Lukas swallowed hard and nodded his head, glancing over to see if Brett had noticed the interaction but his eyes were glued to his phone as he typed something out quickly. 

Philip only took a few more photos before slinging his camera back around his shoulder and beginning to turn the lights off. 

“You’re done?” Lukas’ tone sounded too whiny in his own ears as the question spilled out. 

“Yeah,” Philip said without looking away from his task.

Brett looked up from his phone and stood, thanking Philip for his time before looking over at Lukas. 

“Why don’t you help him get cleaned up in here and I’ll wait in the car, I’ve got a phone call to make anyways,” Brett suggested. 

Lukas opened his mouth to object but Philip beat him to the punch. 

“That’s really not necessary,” Philip said to Brett before flicking his eyes over to meet with Lukas’. 

Lukas ignored the twinge in his stomach at his words. 

Brett made a “psshh” sound before dismissing Philip’s objection, “Nonsense,” he began, “you’ve been so patient with Lukas, the least he can do is help you clean up.” 

Lukas stared daggers into Brett’s back as he walked away, he made it sound like Lukas was some inconsiderate asshole. Lukas didn’t want Philip to think of him that way anymore. 

The door slamming behind Brett echoed around the room as Lukas stood nervously while Philip continued to put the lights away, avoiding the light that was nearest to Lukas. 

Lukas decided to try something, he walked over to the box light and switched it off. 

Lukas could see Philip stop working with the only other light left besides Lukas’. 

Lukas smirked and unplugged the light from the extension cord it was attached to before beginning to work on collapsing the legs of the stand. 

“Lukas stop you’re gonna break it,” Philip scolded from where he stood, Lukas reveled in the sound of his voice. 

He continued to idly fiddle with the light stand, enjoying looking out of the corner of his eye to see Philip standing, hand on hip, staring at him as he worked. 

Lukas soon realized that he really had no idea what he was doing, the legs didn’t seem to have any sort of easily accessible mechanism that made them collapse. 

Maybe it’s underneath, Lukas thought, before lifting up the light on one side. 

And that's when Lukas realized he severely underestimated just how top heavy the light was, because soon enough the light came crashing down towards the floor. 

“LUKAS NO!” Philip shouted as he tried his best to make it over to the other boy in time to save the light from shattering on the floor. 

He didn’t. 

Lukas stood up and stared at the broken glass and lightbulb pieces on the ground and started to laugh. It reminded him of all the times Philip would warn him not to do something only to laugh at him later once Lukas proved him right. 

Except, Philip wasn’t laughing this time. 

Lukas’ laughter faded as the sound bounced off the walls and back to him, his lonesome hysterics sounding eerie as they came back to him. 

Philip stood in front of Lukas, back facing him as he stared down at the mess. Lukas heard him sigh before turning sharply on his heels, making a b-line towards the door. Lukas whipped his head around and called out Philip’s name. Philip didn’t stop, didn’t even turn his head to look at the other boy. Lukas followed Philip out the door. 

The reception lady looked up in confusion as Philip strode past her. 

“Sir? Sir your check!” She yelled, but Philip was already outside by the time she was finished. 

Lukas stopped, “I’ll take it to him,” he offered. 

The woman smiled at Lukas as she picked up the check with her french-manicured fingers and handed it to him. 

Lukas grabbed the check and ran out the glass doors, seeing Philip’s back retreating angrily down a hill towards the parking lot. 

“Philip!” Lukas called out as he chased after him. 

Philip didn’t acknowledge Lukas’ voice again, just kept bounding down the hill. 

Lukas felt his heart sink as he remembered looking out of his bedroom window that day in Tivoli--the ache in his heart as he saw a truck labeled “social services” drive past his house. Driving away with Philip. 

“Philip, stop!” Lukas called out again, this time the desperation clear in his voice, “You forgot your check!” He added. 

That’s what made Philip stop dead in his tracks, he turned around and stood there long enough for Lukas to catch up to him. When Lukas’ outstretched hand was in reach, Philip snatched it and turned to begin walking away again. 

But Lukas grabbed his wrist before he could leave. 

Philip’s wrist felt like fire against Lukas’ palm, he didn’t even know what he was going to say to Philip--what he  _ could _ say to Philip after all these years. But he wasn’t going to let go. 

“Just,” Lukas began, words fighting against the voices in his head, ”wait.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They talked! Well, kinda. Next chapter (Philip's perspective) will include much more talking, i think lol. I really enjoy writing Lukas' chapters, they give me a lot of area to have fun with since Eyewtiness, in my opinion, came more from Philip's perspective and we didn't get to explore Lukas' character dimensions. Also, I created a playlist for this fic! That may seem excessive to y'all but I'm a very music oriented person so creating playlists for projects is kinda what i do to gain inspiration. Here's the link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0pYJ6Y22RkfxYnhWRPAKrD?si=Hwo4P9dxTMq10ckaBntktQ if that doesn't work just search "Resentment" a philkas fanfic" by Hagatha (my spotify name) and it should pop up! It's filled with songs that remind me of the boys, songs that i imagine relates to the boys' feelings in this fic, and songs that remind me of the fic overall. Thank you for reading as always :) the next chapter could be up tomorrow (Wednesday) but if it's not up then, it will be up Friday.


	5. but you're always taking me for granted

“You’re too forgiving for your own good.” 

Philip’s mom first told him that when he was eight. Jason Miller had teased Philip for months on end about his shoes--they were brown with dirt and had holes galore but Anne couldn’t afford to get new ones. Philip would come home crying almost every day and throw his shoes in the trash can, but he always dug them out the next morning. But once Jason was called into the principal's office for bullying and muttered some sorry-ass apology to Philip, he readily accepted it with a wide, toothy smile and invited Jason to come over to his house after school. When Jason declined and Philip later told his mom about the encounter, Anne just sighed and held him close as she said that phrase. Philip didn’t really understand it at that age. 

He did, however, better understand it when he was 14, holding a pack of ice over his eye in the nurse’s office after his long time friend, Dorian Ward, had punched him in the courtyard. Philip and Dorian were the only people around, and Dorian was crying about his parents divorce. Philip can’t remember all of the details, but somehow the two ended up kissing and Dorian pushed Philip away from him panickingly, slamming his fist against Philip’s face when the brown eyed boy had placed his hand on Dorian’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. But Dorian quickly apologized to Philip and picked the stunned, bleeding boy up off the floor--offering to take him to the nurse’s office. And so, when Philip was inevitably asked who had punched him, he looked into Dorian’s pleading eyes and ended up blaming it on a random senior Philip had always disliked. Philip didn’t need Anne to reiterate the phrase--it had been playing through his head during that entire exchange--but she did. 

And now, as Philip stood in front of Lukas in a vacant parking lot, those words popped into his head. He hadn’t  _ actually _ forgiven Lukas, that would take a lot more than bringing him a check with some undervalued dollar amount scribbled on it, but letting Lukas convince him into staying made it look like he had--made it look like Lukas still had some type of influence over Philip. 

And if he did? If Lukas’ broken voice and defeated tone made Philip want to turn around and hold him until all of Lukas’ fears went away? Well, Lukas didn’t need to know that. 

“Well?” Philip asked once he and Lukas had been standing idly, staring at each other with hidden emotions for far too long for comfort. 

“Right!” Lukas exclaimed as Philip snapped him out of whatever trance he had been in. “Um…” Lukas’ voice drifted off as chewed on the inside of his cheek, a habit Philip remembered. 

Philip remembered that Lukas would do it when he was anxious or nervous or concentrating particularly hard on something. Philip shoved down the feeling of satisfaction at seeing Lukas do it over  _ him. _

“‘Um’ what?” Philip asked, “Lukas, I can’t stand here all day waiting for you to muster up the courage to speak to me.” 

Lukas shook his head, “No, yeah I get that,” the taller boy said as he stared at the ground timidly. “How have you been?” Lukas finally asked as he looked at Philip once more. 

Philip scoffed. 

Is he fucking serious? Philip thought to himself. 

“Well,” Philip started, not caring about being polite with his tone, “my boyf- ex-boy-  _ you _ just showed up out of the blue during my job, acted like you had no idea who I was, stared at me during the entire photoshoot without speaking to me, broke a light  _ I’m _ probably going to have to pay for, and now that you finally  _ are _ speaking to me it’s to ask me ‘how i’m doing.’ So, how do you think I'm doing?” Philip finished. 

Lukas just stared at him with wide, sad eyes. The kind of look he gave Philip in the cabin, in Bo’s barn, in the alleyway next to Helen’s office, on top of the Red Hook Highschool roof. 

Philip hated how that look made him feel--still feel--after all these years. It made him feel sorry for Lukas, feel like saving him. Seeing those icy blue eyes stare at him with such fucking  _ despair _ made Philip want to run away with Lukas, hide him from the world and all of it’s ugliness and whisper sweet nothings into his ear for all of eternity. 

Lukas opened up his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a honk sounding from behind Philip. 

“Lukas,” that agent, Brett, said as he pulled up next to the two boys, “what are you doing? Come on we have to get going if you want to make it back in time to train.” 

Lukas looked at Brett and then back at Philip, his expression telling Philip everything: “he saw us”, “he knows”, “i have to go”. 

Philip sighed and looked down at the ground as Lukas walked around him and got into the truck. Philip stood where he was until he could no longer hear the truck driving off and then pulled out his phone to call Phoebe as he walked back to his car. 

“Oh no,” She said when she answered the phone, “you’re calling me right after the shoot which means it either went really well or really bad.” Phoebe finished. 

“Take a guess,” Philip sighed out as he got into his car. 

“Fuck,” he heard his friend exclaim, “what happened?” 

“Phoebe,” Philip began, “do you know the difference between  _ motorcycling _ and  _ motocross _ ?” 

“Yeah I do, why?” 

“Because this shoot wasn’t for someone who just  _ rode motorcycles  _ it was for someone who did motocross,” Philip explained, his tone sounding irritated. 

“Okay?” Phoebe questioned, “I got some details mixed up, what's the problem?” 

Philip rubbed his temples and dropped his head onto his steering wheel. 

“Can you think of anyone in my life that did motocross?” He asked. 

There was silence on the other end of the line for a second before a gasp rang out through the phone’s speaker. 

“NO!” Phoebe shouted as she realized what Philip was hinting at, “No fucking way!” 

Philip would have laughed if it weren't for the circumstances. 

“Lukas?” Phoebe questioned, “Really? Huh, never would have seen that coming.” 

Philip rolled his eyes as he lifted his head off the steering wheel, “Well I fucking could have! And then I wouldn’t have taken the job and none of this would have happened.” 

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” Phoebe mumbled after Philip’s rant.

Philip pulled his phone away from his ear and stared at the screen for a moment with a shocked expression. It’s not like Phoebe knew all of the details about Philip’s time in Tivoli, like the cabin or  _ why _ Philip was so dependent on Lukas, but she knew  _ about  _ Lukas and all of the pain he caused Philip. 

“Not that bad? Phoebe, I just had to do a photoshoot for someone who broke my heart and left me to deal with so many issues on my own I ended up-” Philip cut himself short, “-well, you know.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“I just-I could  _ feel _ myself slipping back into that desperate-for-attention, 17 year old kid who would eat my own arm if Lukas asked me to and I don’t want to be that person again,” Philip explained with a defeated tone. 

Phoebe was silent for a while and Philip thought she must have hung up or the call got disconnected until her voice rang through once more. 

“Did he at least still look good?” Phoebe asked--and if Philip could strangle her through the phone, he would. 

“Did he- did he what?” 

“Well, you know,” Philip could hear his friend giggling on the other line, “if he’s gonna make you stress this much he might as well look good after five years.” 

“I-You-Okay, he did look good but-” 

Phoebe started laughing hysterically which made Philip smile a little as he tried to play off his attraction. 

“It's not funny!” He argued as he began to laugh. 

“Okay, okay, does it seem like he’s changed at all?” Phoebe asked him after her laughing trailed off. 

Philip thought about that question, thought back to how Lukas had lied to Brett about not knowing him, and thought about how he still seemed nervous about someone finding them out. Even if there was no “them _ ” _ anymore. But Philip also thought about how Lukas chased after him, begged for Philip to stop and listen to him--Lukas would have never done that for him five years ago. 

“Maybe a little,” Philip answered, “but that doesn’t change anything.” 

Philip could hear Phoebe mumble out a “yeah” before a muffled voice said something Philip couldn’t quite make out. 

“Shoot,” Phoebe said, “I have to go, my mom made dinner,” she explained. 

“Alright, bye.” 

“Bye,” She said before hanging up, leaving Philip with nothing but his thoughts and the sound of the wind bending the trees under its will. 

Philip started up his car and tried to fight off the unwelcomed thoughts of Lukas that crossed his mind. Because with thoughts of Lukas came thoughts of the cabin. And with thoughts of the cabin came thoughts of Tommy and Tracy, of their families who never got closure because of Philip’s silence. 

Because of Philip. 

And maybe that was another reason Philip was so upset about seeing Lukas, not just because Lukas hurt him, not just because it made him realize how much he still cared about Lukas, but because that with Lukas came everything else; memories Philip had long thought he had suppressed enough to never think about again: the way the blood from the cabin victims mixed together so quickly so that you couldn't tell which of it came from whose lifeless body, or the feeling of existential dread that flooded Philip’s body as the cabin shooter pointed that gun at him-- the feeling of turning his head so he wouldn’t have to see the bullet enter the pink rind of his skull. 

Philip tried to control his breathing as he turned up the radio to drown out his thoughts, the song “Promise” by Ben Howard filling up his car. 

Better make an appointment with Dr. Bradfield, Philip barely heard himself think over the volume of the music. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnddd it's here! I'm so sorry for uploading this later than I said I would but I've had a really busy week and overestimated how much free time I would have. But I was finally able to sit down and write it today. This chapter has to be one of my favorites I've written so far, it gave me a lot of freedom to experiment with Philip's emotions and attitude toward Lukas. I just finished rewatching Eyewitness (for like the third time lol) and I didn't realize just how sad it would have been if things really did end with Philip leaving Tivoli in episode 6, so I wanted this chapter to really capture that. Also, I want you guys to know how grateful I am that you guys are enjoying this fic and how happy it makes me that you guys look forward to each upload, it really keeps me going :) I can't give an estimate as to when the next upload (Lukas' perspective) will be because I actually have midterms all next week and I'm sure that's going to take up a lot of my time and worries, but it will definitely be up by next Saturday if it isn't up before then. I hope you guys liked this chapter and I wish you all a good rest of your morning/afternoon/night.


	6. i got something i gotta get off of my chest

The drive back to Brooklyn was pretty quiet for the most part, Brett had some country music station playing at a low volume and neither he nor Lukas said much after they left the parking lot. Lukas was thankful for that. His anxiety was through the roof, Brett didn’t mention anything about Philip to Lukas but his heart still pounded away as they drove through the Manhattan streets. Lukas was terrified of what Brett may have taken from seeing Lukas’ and Philip’s conversation, of what he would say to Bo about it. 

Lukas swallowed hard at the thought, Philip’s name hadn’t slipped past his dad’s lips in five years but Lukas knew that if Brett mentioned anything about an awkward photographer named Philip, Bo would know exactly who it was. And if Brett did somehow see the way Lukas stole a glance at Philip any chance he could, or the way Lukas heart broke just seconds before Brett pulled up? It would be senior year all over again: questions like “what are you thinking,” disappointed sighs and flinches at the slightest raise of a voice. 

Lukas looked out the window to calm himself down, but it didn’t help much. All there was to see was all of the flags, messages of hope, and signs of support that passed them by in a rainbow haze. Lukas didn’t know why he started to get emotional at the sight, maybe because deep down he knew that he could never get that kind of support. 

He wouldn’t let himself. 

When Philip left, Lukas didn’t go to school for a week. He just couldn’t bring himself to sit in a class full of the peers who made Philip feel so unwelcome, and also know that he was one of them. He told his dad it was because he was sick, but Rose saw through all of it. She came over on a Friday while Bo was at work, chicken noodle soup in one hand and a thermos full of tea in the other. Lukas should have known it was all a ruse by the look in her eyes when he cringed at the sound of Philip’s name, or when she refused to kiss him when he greeted her at the door because Rose never did that, even when Lukas was sick. But when Rose sighed and said the words that haunted Lukas for months, he was as surprised as ever. 

“I know about you two,” Rose had said as she stood just inside the doorway, denying the gesture that welcomed her in further. 

Lukas couldn’t understand much of what she said after that, the ringing in his ears distracted him. He could make out little things like

“I won’t tell anyone” 

And 

“You can talk to me about anything”

Lukas readily turned up his nose at the accusation and gaslit Rose into next Sunday. Told her that she was crazy and that he never should have dated her. 

Rose didn’t speak to him for a few months after that, and Lukas didn’t mind. Frankly, he was relieved. But one night Lukas just _couldn’t_ _sleep_ , the last moments with Philip at Rose’s party replayed though his mind when the cabin murders didn’t. His dad was out of town and the thunder raging on outside didn’t make him feel any safer. And so, he found himself on Rose’s doorstep, soaking wet with rain and tears. Her parents were never home, so he wasn’t surprised when Rose opened the door and let him in without hesitation. She lent him a dry pair of clothes she had yet to return to Lukas and let him sleep in the guest room. And when his night terrors woke both of them up, she let him sleep in her bed with her. When Lukas woke up before her the next morning, he raced out of her house and ignored her for the rest of the time he was in Tivoli--still ignores her whenever she reaches out to him. 

“Jesus Christ, can’t they tone it down a little?” Lukas said as he brought himself out of the flashback. 

Brett looked over at him and then back at the road, “what do you mean?” 

“Well, you know” Lukas gestured to the pride displays, “it’s not like they have to be so extra about it,” Lukas explained, and he hoped Brett didn’t notice the inflection in his voice. 

Brett furrowed his thick brows and scoffed, “What, so now you’re homophobic?” 

Lukas was taken aback by the question, he assumed Brett would just laugh or go on a rant like the kids back in Tivoli did. He’s never been close to anyone that asked him if he was homophobic, or even cared if he was. Maybe Philip, but he didn’t count. 

Lukas didn’t know how to answer the question, if he was in Tivoli or around his dad he would say “hell yeah” express his disgust with pride but maybe with Brett he didn’t have to pretend like that. 

“No, no I just-” Lukas searched for the right words, “-I don't know, that's how people talk where I’m from.” 

“Well you aren’t in Tivoli anymore. You can’t talk like that, especially when you’re in the public eye,” Brett explained, Lukas started to feel like he was in kindergarten getting lectured by his teacher again. “One of the kids competing against you in the AMA Circuit is gay, if the organizers catch you talking like that they will disqualify you for hate speech.” Brett finished and Lukas shot his eyes up. 

“One of the riders is gay?” He asked, trying to suppress the excitement that was filling up his chest.

“Yeah, Kurtis Nelson,” Brett replied and turned to Lukas as they approached a red light. “That’s not a problem, right?” Brett raised his eyebrow as he asked the question. 

Lukas shook his head almost a little too soon, “No, that’s just...really progressive of the circuit to be so cool about that,” he explained. 

Brett laughed a little, “Lukas, it’s not 2005 anymore. That’s not progressive, It’s expected.” 

Lukas nodded and turned to look out the window again. He wondered if Philip would be going to any of the parades this year. Lukas thought of how happy that would make Philip. He wondered what it would be like to go to one of them with Philip--what it would be like if he was out and didn’t have to care because the circuit had his back like they had Kurtis Nelson’s. Lukas imagined seeing a fan and signing an autograph for them, scribbling some message of encouragement on the paper. Then Philip would look up at him and smile and Lukas would kiss him in front of everyone. 

A text notification rang from Lukas’ phone. 

**Dad:** How was the interview and photoshoot?

Lukas stared at his lockscreen for a moment before opening the text and typing out a quick reply. 

It was fine. 

Lukas clicked the “send” button and turned his phone off. 

He stared at the dashboard for the rest of the drive out of Manhattan. 

* * *

It was seven o’clock when Lukas walked through his apartment door. The unwelcoming atmosphere cloaking him in a cloud of bleakness the minute he walked in. He took his shoes off and walked over to the fridge, digging out a box of stale delivery pizza from a couple nights before. Lukas didn’t bother heating it up before shoving a slice past his lips. He didn’t really care about food much these days, just ate whatever whenever he was hungry and stopped when he inevitably lost his appetite. 

Lukas sat on his brown leather couch, a move-in gift from his dad, and stared at the 75 inch TV screen before him. He never really watched it, only turned it on when a motocross competition was being aired or when his dad was over and wanted to watch football. 

Lukas just couldn’t bring himself to care about any of that stuff anymore. His thoughts and worries consisted of his career, Philip, the cabin, whatever random paranoid thought had made itself home in his brain that day, and his dad. Everything else seemed trivial. 

And right now his mind was on Philip, on what his life had been like after he left Tivoli. Was it nice? Was it better? 

Was it worse? 

Lukas decided that the only way to find out was to do some research. He turned his phone on and opened google, typing Lukas’ favorite words into the search bar: “Philip Shea.” 

The first thing that showed up at the top of the screen was a website. 

**SheaPhotography.com**

Lukas excitedly clicked the link and tapped his foot on the hardwood floors impatiently as the website loaded. A blurred, black and white image of a busy Manhattan street showed up on the screen, a girl with warm brown skin and super curly, black hair was the only thing not blurred in the photo as she stood right in the middle of all of the chaos. Lukas stared at the photo in awe, he knew Philip was talented with taking videos and editing, but his photography was on a whole different level. 

Lukas clicked on the menu button and looked at all the possible pages; there was a contact page, a link that led to an online portfolio, whatever that was, links to articles featuring Philip’s work, and an “About Philip Shea” page. 

Lukas clicked on the latter and it led him to a screen with another photo attached to it, this one of Philip himself in full color. He was smiling, Lukas could tell that he was in the middle of laughing, and holding a camera in the middle of a snowy field; his nose and cheeks were flushed red against his olive skin. Lukas’ stomach did a flip. 

Directly under the photo was a paragraph describing Philip’s life; how he was raised in and out of the foster system, his experiences with homophobia, how he chose to pursue a career in photography after “an incident that led him to want to capture things as they were, not as they wanted to appear.” 

Lukas gripped his phone tighter as he continued to read, each word filling him with more guilt up to the very end. The Instagram icon underneath the paragraph surprised Lukas--back in Tivoli, Philip was never interested in social media. He always said it was full of hate and fake people, Lukas always rolled his eyes when he said that, but he secretly envied the way Philip could so easily separate himself from the collective.

Lukas clicked on the icon and watched as his Iphone opened up Instagram and led him to Philip’s account. 

**@philip.shea**

Lukas noticed that Philip’s profile picture was the same picture as the one on his website, and his bio was empty save for the words “Manhattan based” and “email for bookings” with his email address underneath. 

Lukas scrolled down the account, it was filled with professional-grade photos of different types of settings and buildings and crowds of people--all taken candidly. There were a few photos that weren’t like that, Lukas had noticed. There was one taken a couple months ago of Philip and the same black girl from the website sitting on the hood of a car, looking down at the camera with blank stares that drew you in. 

Damn, Lukas thought, even the normal ones look artsy. 

Lukas scrolled to the very bottom of Philip’s account, seeing that the first photo he posted was a photo from three years ago of him and his mom, Anne if Lukas remembered correctly. Philip had his arm slung around Anne’s shoulders while they stood outside of a rehab clinic. The caption read “proud of you, mom.” 

Lukas smiled at the photo, he knew how much Anne meant to Philip, and it made Lukas happy that she was doing better because that meant that Philip was doing better. 

In that department, at least. 

Lukas sighed and scrolled back to the very top of the account and just stared at his phone screen. 

He entertained the thought of sending him a message--of typing out an entire essay of apologies and explanations. But Lukas knew that Philip deserved better than a dm. He then entertained the thought of sending him another message, one that just asked for Philip to meet up with Lukas. Maybe then Lukas could explain how fucking  _ empty _ his life has been without him; maybe then Lukas could tell Philip that he was right, it  _ did _ only get worse as Lukas went each day without confessing to seeing the murders; maybe then he could mean it when he tells Philip that he’ll confess to his dad that he’s gay; maybe then Lukas would finally get the courage to confess to all of it as long as it meant that Philip would give him another chance. 

Philip would never intentionally meet up, Lukas thought, not after what happened. 

Lukas groaned and turned off his phone, tossing it haphazardly on the couch. He cradled his head in his hands as he realized that even if Philip  _ did _ agree to meet up with him, Lukas would never say any of that stuff. He was a coward, just like Philip thought he was. Lukas cared too much about what people thought of him, of what his father thought of him. He was too much of a coward to face the consequences of his actions when he stopped Philip time and time again from going to the police. Lukas spent half a decade running from his problems, why would he stop now?

Lukas started to cry, hot tears streaming down his hollowed cheeks as the memories of those months came back to him. All the good, the bad, the horrifying, the lovely. He dug his fingers into his face as he cursed himself for crying--for feeling. When Lukas got his nightmares, he could play it off. He could tell himself that it was some subconscious reaction caused him to cry or scream or plead. 

But during times like these, when he was fully awake, he couldn’t lie to himself. Lukas always was a terrible liar. It’s part of the reason Helen never truly let up on him, even after the cabin case went cold. It’s part of the reason Bo doesn’t ask him about girls anymore, Lukas knows his dad sees right through his tales of petite blondes and slender redheads. And it’s part of the reason Lukas can’t stand to live in his own head sometimes. 

Lukas pressed his palms into his temples and squeezed his eyes shut, willing his brain to think of something other than the things he’s been stuck thinking about for the past five years of his life. He wanted to go back to thinking about the dumb shit he thought about in freshman year like whether or not Stacy Castillo got a boob job or the chemistry project he spent weeks worrying about in sophomore year. 

But everything led back to the cabin, his dad, his  _ goddamn _ sexuality. 

And Philip. 

Lukas stared at his phone as it lay on the cushion next to him, calling his name. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm sorry I uploaded this after Friday :( to be completely honest, I lost a lot of motivation for writing after finals week but I wrote you an extra long chapter to make up for it! I'm sorry if it seems boring but I really liked writing it and I'm happy I got to finally explain the situation with Rose and why Lukas and her no longer talk. If you don't like "filler" chapters, or chapters that dive more into development and characterization rather than plot and dialogue, then I think you'll like the next chapter (Philip's perspective) a lot more. I am finally on winter break!!! Which means that I will have a lot more time to write and put out chapters. I'm thinking of getting the next chapter out to you guys tomorrow (Sunday) :) Thank you guys, once again, for taking your time to read this fic and thank you to all of those who comment. I definitely recognize your usernames whenever a comment notification pops up and that makes me so happy!


	7. i don't hate you babe, it's worse than that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is really long, but it's got a lot of our boys interacting in it so I hope you like it!

The warm yellow light that lit Dr. Bradfield’s office was like the calming afterglow of a sunset, it wasn’t too harsh but it provided just enough light to leave hidden things unveiled. It was probably Philip’s favorite part of the room. Whenever he walked in, it was like all of his mental fortresses crumbled to ash--as if his mind recognized the room as a safe space. 

“Philip?” Dr. Bradfield’s voice called out to him from her black leather recliner. 

Philip pulled himself out of his trance and looked at his therapist, “Hm?” He asked as he shifted to fix his posture on the loveseat that sat opposite the woman’s chair. 

Dr. Bradfield laughed a little and crossed her legs, “I asked you why you needed to schedule an emergency session with me,” she explained. 

“Oh, yeah sorry,” Philip forced out a false chuckle and scratched the back of his head, “I saw Lukas yesterday,” he finished as he cast his eyes downward. 

Dr. Bradfield sat back in her chair and made a “hmph” sound before clicking her tongue against the palate of her mouth, “What made you make the decision to see him?” 

“What makes you think I planned it?” Philip looked back up at his therapist with a confused stare. 

“Oh, well I didn’t mean anything bad by it,” Dr. Bradfield explained as she uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, “we’ve established that you used Lukas as an emotional crutch, so I assumed that something happened for you to meet up with him. I apologize if that wasn’t the case.” 

Philip crossed his arms and rested his body lazily on the loveseat, “It wasn’t.” 

Dr. Bradfield nodded, “So what happened?” 

“I took a job at some sports magazine, he just so happened to be the person I was taking photos of,” Philip explained as he tightened his arms around his chest. 

“Ah, so he surprised you,” Dr. Bradfield chewed on the inside of her cheek as she thought of what to say next, “that must have resurfaced some difficult memories and feelings.” 

Philip’s leg began to bounce nervously as last night’s panic attack was pulled to the forefront of his brain. “Yeah it did,” he said. 

“Can you elaborate?” Philip wasn’t looking at his therapist at this point, but he could hear the apprehension in her voice where he couldn’t see it in her eyes. 

Philip shrugged and shifted his body once more as he sighed outwardly, “I don’t know, just a lot of scary and gory stuff I thought I forgot.” 

Philip could feel the tightening in his throat as thick tears began to form in his eyes, he sniffled and wiped them on his shoulder before they could drop from their tear ducts. He looked back at Dr. Bradfield and tried to keep himself from leaving as she just sat there and watched him, he hated it when she did that--it made him feel more vulnerable than what the accepted amount of vulnerability in therapy should be. 

“I’m sorry that happened Philip, how did you deal with it? Did you use those breathing exercises and grounding techniques we’ve been practicing?” 

Philip rolled his eyes slightly at the question, he wouldn’t say they’ve been “practicing” them as of lately--he thinks that after three years of therapy he’s mastered them. Nevertheless, he replied with a nod. 

“Did they help at all?” His therapist asked. 

Philip nodded yes, which wasn’t a lie; they did help, just not as much as alcohol would have helped when he wasn’t sober. 

“You didn’t drink?” Dr. Bradfield asked, as if reading his mind. 

“No, I didn’t drink,” Philip responded truthfully, “but I wanted to.” 

Dr. Bradfield nodded sympathetically, “That’s understandable, but you didn’t. That’s all that matters. We don’t want another incident,” she finished. 

“Yeah, I know.” 

Philip hated whenever the “incident” was brought up, it’s another thing he’s never been able to fully move past. If Phoebe, or his mom, or Dr. Bradfield brings it up--it makes him shut down completely if he’s in the wrong mindset. 

Thankfully, he isn’t right now. 

“So, what are you doing today?” Dr. Bradfield asked, and Philip could tell it was her way of shifting the conversation to a lighter topic. 

Philip was grateful for that. 

“I actually have another photoshoot,” Philip explained as he recalled the email he got late last night, “some guy wants to pay me 400 bucks to take some pictures for his website.” 

Dr. Bradfield widened her eyes, “Wow, that’s a good amount.” 

Philip nodded his head excitedly and sat up, “Yeah, I think maybe he thinks I’m a big photographer judging by the praise in his email,” Philip thought about all of the compliments the client managed to squeeze in just a few sentences, “so he was willing to pay me more.” 

“Well, I’m happy for you, is it here in Manhattan?” 

“No, I actually have to drive all the way to Brooklyn but I don’t mind, especially not when 400 dollars is involved.” Philip joked and joined in on Dr. Bradfield’s laugh when the sound erupted from her chest. 

* * *

The drive into Brooklyn wasn’t too bad for Philip, he was always one to like long drives and his road trip playlist helped make the time pass a lot quicker when things got boring. The address he typed into his phone’s GPS led him straight to a bar that turned into a club at night, Philip opened up the email once more to make sure he had the correct address. 

He did. 

Philip sighed and craned his neck to look at the bar from his car window, he’s never had a client who wanted to take pictures at a bar--he doesn’t even think they’d be allowed to do that if they wanted to use the photos for commercial use. Unless the client, Rick A. as his email had said, wanted to get drinks with Philip first, he really didn’t know why he wanted to meet him here of all places. 

And Philip really hoped Rick didn’t want to buy him a drink because that meant that Philip would have to go into the whole “I don’t drink” spiel, and that always led to more questions--questions that Philip was never in the mood to answer. 

Nevertheless, Philip got out of the car and slammed the door shut behind him, the mantra of “400 dollars” repeating in his head as he walked through the doors. The bar was quite full for it only being just after noon; the polished wood floor that spanned onward for what seems like miles ahead of Philip were crowded with mostly young adults, save for the few older stragglers that were sitting on the bar stools next to the sleek, black rounded countertop. 

Philip could smell the booze dripping from everyone’s breath and started to get overwhelmed. He quickly whipped his head in all directions, trying to find someone that may have been alone and also searching for someone. 

He didn’t need to look for long before he felt long fingers wrap around his shoulder in an achingly familiar grasp. 

Philip turned his head just a few inches to the left and suddenly he was face to face with Lukas Waldenbeck, again. 

Philip paused in shock for a minute, taking the time to register the feeling of Lukas’ warm hand that still rested on his shoulder and the way his smile conveyed a feeling of reserved guilt. 

“Oh, fuck no,” Philip expelled out through his lips before turning on his heels and walking straight out the door. 

“Philip, wait,” Philip could hear Lukas call out from behind him as he was followed out the door by the taller boy. 

Philip walked up to his car and struggled to pull his keys out of his pocket as Lukas rushed up to his side. 

“Philip, just let me explain plea-”

“Again?” Philip spat out as he finally pulled out his car keys, “Because that went so well the last time,” Philip unlocked the door and went to grab the handle to open it before Lukas placed his hand on the door, keeping it shut. “Get your hand off my car,” Philip demanded as he looked back at Lukas for the first time since they left the bar. It was the first time he saw Lukas’ this close up in five years, he noticed the dark circles under his eyes and repressed the urge to ask if Lukas was okay. 

“Not until you agree to talk to me,” Lukas negotiated. 

Philip stared at the blue-eyed boy and contemplated the offer. It’s not like he had to talk to Lukas, hell, he could probably shove Lukas away from his car and drive off before Lukas had the chance to gather what had happened. But a part of Philip _wanted_ to talk to Lukas--he told himself it was for closure. 

The car keys went back into Philip’s pocket. 

Lukas removed his hand from the door. 

“So what? Is there actually a ‘Rick A.’ or did you make that up too?” Philip could tell the last part of his question cut through Lukas as the now-brunette’s eyebrows dropped. 

“Rick Anderton,” was all Lukas said in response.

Philip scoffed and threw his head back in disbelief at himself for forgetting that ridiculous name Lukas had on his fake ID. 

“I wasn’t making up the money, though,” Lukas added, “I’ll actually give you the 400.” 

Philip raised his brows. He honestly forgot about the money in all of the commotion but now that he remembered, he couldn’t believe that Lukas just had that kind of money ready to be thrown around. 

“Now, can we please talk?” Lukas smiled his classic grin as he gestured towards the bar door. Philip ignored the butterflies in his stomach at the sight of his smile.

He hated how that trick _still_ worked on him. 

“Sure, but not here,” Philip conceded. 

Lukas eyed him suspiciously, “Why not?” 

Philip rolled his eyes. 

Not this conversation, he thought. 

“I don’t drink,” He said the response exhaustively, preparing himself for the slue of questions that usually followed. 

“Oh okay,” Lukas said as he dropped his hand that was still pointed towards the bar. 

Philip eyed Lukas, he remembered how curious--invasive, really--Lukas had been with things like this. In Tivoli, Lukas would have had Philip standing for hours responding to all of his questions that hinted at a lack of understanding when it came to social cues. 

“I don’t know where else to go, though,” Lukas confessed as he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his fleece-lined jacket. 

Philip wondered if he was cold. 

“The only places I know around here are this club, the racetrack, and my apartment,” Lukas further explained as he shifted from one foot to another. 

“You live here and only know of two places other than your apartment?” Philip teased, easily falling back into the two’s old rhythm of push and pull. 

“Yeah, I don’t get out much,” Lukas laughed, but Philip could pick out the discomfort laced in his words. 

Philip thought his next words over carefully before speaking them out into the air between him and Lukas, “Let’s go to your place then.” 

Lukas’ blue eyes flashed with something Philip couldn’t quite pin down before it was gone.

“Yeah, yeah we can do that,” His voice was breathy and hoarse. “You can leave your car here, my place is only across the street.” 

Philip nodded and followed when Lukas began to walk towards his apartment, not allowing himself to walk side by side with the taller boy just yet. 

* * *

Lukas’ apartment was exactly what Philip had imagined it would be like: motocross posters nicely framed and hanging on the walls, cushiony furniture that looked rarely used, a big flat screen TV mounted above a fireplace, and some girl’s false eyelashes sitting haphazardly next to another girl’s broken off acrylic nail. 

Philip saw them the moment he walked in, how could he not when they were lying on the entry table like some trophy to show off? 

“Shit, t-those are my friends’,” Lukas had stuttered out when he saw that Philip had spotted them. 

Philip brushed past Lukas on his way to the couch in response. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Philip asked, getting straight to the point as he made himself at home and plopped himself down on the leather fabric. 

Lukas opted to sit down on the arm of the couch, putting as much distance between him and Philip without making it seem forced. 

Philip could see right through it. 

“I just thought we could catch up,” Lukas began and Philip nearly stood up to leave right then if it weren’t for the next words that left Lukas’ perfectly thin lips, “and that maybe I could apologize.” 

Philip looked up at Lukas, who towered over the brown-eyed boy with his height advantage and added elevation from the arm of the couch. 

“I know you must hate me-” 

“I don’t hate you,” Philip interrupted Lukas without even thinking. 

He should hate him. Philip should _despise_ Lukas for what he did and all the pain he caused him. But he doesn’t. Philip can’t go one day without thinking of how _seen_ Lukas made him feel in that hick town on the good days--and the bad days too. Even when Philip managed to have a boyfriend for a short while after he left Tivoli, everything that poor kid did was always being compared to how Lukas would have done it. The way he told jokes, the way he kissed Philip, the way he held Philip’s face--it all added up to nothing when Philip pitted it against how Lukas would have done it. 

No, Philip doesn’t hate Lukas, he adores that boy. Even as he sits next to Philip, trying to come up with some poor excuse for his actions that Philip will probably readily accept because that’s just how much Philip misses Lukas. He’ll accept any and every form of an apology if it meant that Lukas would kiss Philip again like no one else could--rough and passionate and longingly, like Philip’s were air and Lukas just came back from a dive beneath the ocean. 

Philip just wanted to feel needed like that again. 

“I could never hate you, Lukas,” Philip added as he met Lukas’ gaze. 

Lukas’ eyes were glossed over with some type of emotion before he broke the eye contact to look out the giant window that spanned almost the entirety of the wall next to them. 

“I would hate me,” Lukas whispered just loud enough for Philip to hear as he stared out the window.

And if this was all some trick to get Philip to feel sorry for Lukas, he decided it was working because he scooched over so he was just beside Lukas and rested a hand on his thigh--a motion that sent a twitch through the other boy’s leg so strong that Philip could feel it. 

“Why did you stop dying your hair?” Philip asked. 

Lukas giggled a little and looked over at Philip again, “What?” 

“My therapist does this thing where whenever I start to get too emotional about a topic, she changes the subject for a while, so, why did you stop dying your hair?” Philip explained as he reached his hand up to tug at Lukas’ brown strands. 

Lukas pulled his head away from the other boy’s action and looked at Philip with a confused grin, “The sponsors thought it would be more professional--make me seem more mature.” 

Philip nodded his head, he had to agree with the sponsors. Lukas’ natural brown hair did get rid of the fratboy-ish look he had sported in Tivoli. 

“Why? Do you like it?” Lukas joked as he shoved at Philip’s shoulder playfully. 

“You wish,” Philip teased, the voice in the back of his head telling him not to give in to these flirtatious antics so easily. 

The two stayed in a comfortable silence for a moment, the birds chirping outside and the smell of Lukas’ intoxicating cologne working together to send Philip back to the times Philip and Lukas would just sit in each other’s company, comfortably. 

It wasn’t often but it was there. 

“You have a therapist?” Lukas’ question broke the silence. 

“Uh, yeah,” Philip admitted sheepishly as he subconsciously moved back away from Lukas. 

“Is that part of the reason why you don’t drink?” Lukas further asked, and Philip really wished he would just shut up so they could go back to pretending like everything was normal--or at least, their version of normal. 

“Yeah,” Philip sighed out as he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

“Did you-” Lukas cut himself off and Philip prayed to whatever might be out there that he didn’t finish the next part of his question. 

He did. 

“Did you tell her about what happened?” 

And of course this happens. Of course the stupid cabin and Lukas’ stupid paranoia had to ruin Philip’s game of pretend because when did it not? When was Philip ever allowed to get through a moment with Lukas that wasn’t tarnished by memories of blood and paranoid delusions? 

“Yes, Lukas, I told her,” Philip admitted. 

Lukas shot up from his seat on the arm of the couch and looked down at Philip with concerned eyes, the same eyes that begged him not to tell Helen all those years ago. 

“Why would you do that? What if, what if she tells-” 

“She can’t tell anyone Lukas, she’s-”

“What do you mean she can’t tell? She can’t keep things like that secret!” Lukas voice raised with each interruption of Philip’s attempts at calming him down. 

“Jesus _fucking_ Christ, Lukas,” Philip erupted. “You really haven’t grown much in the common sense department have you? I don’t really feel like explaining the HIPAA law to you right now but maybe when you’re not too busy having sex with girls in an attempt to convince yourself that you’re straight, you can look it up,” he jeered, all of his pent up frustration dragging itself forward. 

“That’s a little harsh,” Lukas argued as his expression contorted from one of worry to one of anger. 

“No, Lukas, what’s ‘harsh’ is tricking your traumatized ex boyfriend into meeting up with you just so you can feel a little better about yourself,” Philip refuted, standing up to be as close to eye level as he could get with Lukas. 

“That’s not what this is-” 

“Oh, it’s not?” Now it was Philip’s turn to do the interrupting as he glared up at Lukas. 

“No! And I don’t even have sex with those girls! I bring them over to keep me company at night because not all of us have a fancy little _goddamn_ _therapist_ to help us through our problems!” Lukas fired back at Philip.

The two stood facing each other--out of breath from yelling, faces red with frustration. 

“This was a mistake,” Philip said as he began turning away from Lukas to leave. 

“Wait Philip-” Lukas reached out to lightly pull Philip back around, “don’t leave. I’m sorry.” 

Philip allowed himself to be tugged back around and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“I guess I wasn’t as ready to talk about the cabin as I thought I was,” Lukas explained. 

“You got that right,” Philip huffed out. 

“But I-I miss you,” Lukas continued. “I really miss you and you’re the only person who makes me _feel_ anything anymore and I can’t believe I’m saying any of this to you but if it’s what gets you to stay here then-” 

Philip didn’t plan on his body leaning forward the extra couple of inches between him and Lukas, but it does. His lips seize Lukas’ like they’re all Philip needs to survive. And in that moment, maybe they are. Because Lukas saying “I miss you” was all Philip needed to hear to forget the argument that just occurred--every argument that occurred before that one. Philip notices how quickly Lukas kisses him back, how easily their tongues fall back into their old rhythm, how readily their bodies accept the other person into their space and muscle memory takes control of their movements. Fingers curl right back into hair like they never left, arms find their way back around waists and hands fall gently onto memorized jawlines. 

All of the voices, all of the anxiety and anger that had taken shelter in Philip’s brain fade to black as he feels Lukas’ lips against his. 

Maybe that’s what keeps him attached to the other boy even when Philip’s lungs strain for air. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignore me publishing this an hour before it's no longer Sunday lol. Sooo, how did you guys like the kiss? Did it meet your expectations? I hope it did. I don't have a lot of experience writing kiss scenes but I tried my best. I couldn't figure out how to divide this chapter in two so I had to make it extra long but I hope I was able to keep you interested. I tried to keep the therapist session brief so you guy's wouldn't have to wait any longer for Lukas and Philip to meet up but I had to have some of the conversation there for foreshadowing and storytelling purposes :) You guys are so awesome and I can't wait to give you the next chapter, it should be coming out soon. I like to write at night so that's why I always publish chapters so late in the day but I hope that doesn't bother you guys too much. Enjoy this somewhat happy-ish chapter because it will not be staying that way lol. Again, I appreciate y'all so much and I hope you have a lovely rest of your day/night.


	8. 'cause i hurt you and you don't react

Lukas can’t remember the last time he enjoyed a kiss.

Of course, Lukas had kissed people after Philip left--random girls at parties who were too drunk or tripping on some drug to land their lips on the correct target, always a centimetre or two off of Lukas’ mouth; there was Rebecca, the girl Lukas had met when he first moved to Brooklyn, she was nice and the kind of pretty his dad would be proud of but in all of the three total kisses they shared, Lukas never felt anything quite like how Philip’s kisses made him feel. 

But those weren’t _real_ kisses, they were formalities done to signal the end of a date with a pretty girl or they were party favors at a club when everyone was too drunk or touch starved or, as in Lukas’ case, both to worry about whether or not any of the kisses meant anything. 

A real kiss is what Lukas and Philip did after Lukas’ confession of missing Philip. Lukas’ stomach filled with butterflies and his heart dropped in anticipation for more every time their lips separated for air. Lukas remembered what it felt like to be wanted and to _want back_ when Philip’s arms tugged Lukas’ torso towards him or when Lukas carefully stroked Philip’s cheek his brown eyes looked up at Lukas' in between kisses--like he was taking in every little bit of the moment before it was gone. 

The rest of Lukas’ day was a blur after that, every last detail seemed to slow down yet time whizzed by like the windstorms that passed through Tivoli like clockwork. Lukas had hoped that this whole charade would cause Philip to talk to him--maybe even forgive Lukas if he was really lucky--but the kiss was something he never could have expected. Lukas wished he could sit in this feeling of contentedness forever, his mind blank of anything negative or anything other than _PhilipPhilipPhilipPhilip_ because his legs were straddling Lukas’ waist on the couch as Philip kissed down his neck while rain pitter pattered on the windows around the apartment. 

“Lukas, I really have to get going,” Philip had interrupted as he lifted his head and stared at Lukas’ through thick, dark lashes. 

Lukas didn’t realize how dark it was, the only light shining into his apartment supplied by the moon and the fading light from various businesses still open. Lukas groaned and checked his phone, the screen illuminating Lukas’ face with the numbers “9:30.”

“Do you really have to go?” Lukas asked, rubbing his thumbs up and down Philip’s scantily exposed waist from when Lukas had pushed his T-shirt up. 

Lukas could hear a slight laugh escape Philip’s lips before he swung his left leg around so that his legs were no longer on either side of Lukas. 

“I’m tired,” Philip explained as he moved off of the couch, “If I don’t leave now I’ll fall asleep at the wheel,” he finished. 

Lukas watched as Philip straightened out his clothes and went to grab his camera and car keys from off of the limestone countertop that had previously been scarcely used for anything. He let himself think of what it would be like if that became the spot where Philip kept his things--like Lukas’ apartment became the spot where Philip _kept himself_. 

“It’s raining out,” Lukas blurted out and Philip turned towards him as he slung his camera around his chest. 

“I know?” Philip chuckled, walking back over to Lukas so that he was standing in front of him. 

Lukas looked up at him from his spot on the couch, “You could slide off the road or something with how dark it is,” he argued. “People always drive crazy when it rains, who knows what someone will do if you accidentally doze off for a bit and swerve into the other lane or something,” Lukas continued to catastrophize as he diverted his glance to a random spot on his floor. “Why don’t you just stay here? You can take the bed and I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

Lukas knew the rain wasn’t that bad, hell, he’s ridden his bike in worse crap than the sprinkling of rain that was barely hitting the asphalt outside. But he liked having Philip here, in Lukas’ apartment and claiming countertop space as his own--it made Lukas feel like it was home, finally. 

Philip stared down at Lukas, with an expression that told him that Philip was also well aware of how ridiculous Lukas’ excuses for him staying over were. 

“Okay, yeah sure,” Philip said, and Lukas suppressed the grin that fought to reveal itself. “I’ll sleep on the couch, though,” he finished. 

Lukas shook his head, “No, I really don’t mind sleeping on the couch and you’re my guest-” 

“Lukas,” Philip cut Lukas’ explanation short, “I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

Philip stared at him with a look that Lukas couldn’t quite read. His eyes were almost pleading for Lukas to give in, like even the suggestion of sleeping in the other boy’s bed would be more than Philip was ready for. 

“Yeah, yeah sure,” Lukas mumbled as he stood up, “I’ll get a pillow and a blanket for you.” 

Lukas walked into his bedroom and stole one of the two pillows he had from off of his mattress and dug around his dresser for the old throw blanket he kept because it was the blanket his mom used to drape over recliners or sofas whenever company came over. Bo hid it in a box in the same shed he kept the other “forgotten things” in when Lukas’ mom died, Lukas managed to sneak it past him when he moved out. 

Philip had already removed his black combat boots and stripped down to his jeans when Lukas returned to the living room, and Lukas could feel his face heat up at the sight of Philip’s bare chest and the unbuttoned denim that now hung low on his hips. He realized how stupid it was, considering the position the two boys were just in and the positions they had been in five years ago, but Lukas couldn’t keep himself from feeling like he was seeing something he wasn’t supposed to. 

Philip turned towards Lukas once he realized he was being watched, Lukas half expected him to spit out some crude joke or sarcastic question like he would have back in Tivoli. But this wasn’t Tivoli, and so, Philip just stared back with resigned eyes that were illuminated by the table lamp he had turned on. 

“Um, here,” Lukas walked towards the other boy, extending his pale arms out with the pillow and blanket. 

“Thanks,” Philip said indistinctly, turning to place both the items onto the couch. 

He’s acting differently, Lukas thought. 

Just a few minutes ago, Philip had been all over Lukas: kissing him like it was the only thing he wanted to do for the rest of his life; holding onto him like Philip’s life depended on Lukas’ stable shoulders. But now, Lukas noticed, he was reserved, restrained--as if he had just realized something, or remembered something. 

“I’m glad you’re staying over,” Lukas admitted, allowing himself to be somewhat vulnerable if it meant making Philip go back to the way things were just a few moments ago. 

Philip turned around and looked at Lukas with a set smile, his eyes glazed over in a way that Lukas recognized from all the times he offered up little phrases made up of sweet nothings in place of true emotion. 

“Okay, well,” Lukas began, “goodnight,” he said as he turned to go back to his room. 

“Lukas,” he heard Philip call out from behind him. 

Lukas turned back around to see Philip walking up to him, placing a tender kiss on his lips. Lukas let himself briefly melt into the kiss, holding the sides of Philip’s face before Philip pulled away. 

“Goodnight,” Philip said as he walked backwards and Lukas hummed softly, a sparkle in his eye.

* * *

The sound of Philip’s somewhat-panicked voice woke Lukas up before the knocking did. 

“Lukas!” He heard Philip whisper harshly as he woke up from the repeated shaking of his shoulder. 

“Wh-what?” Lukas mumbled groggily while he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“There's someone at the door,” Philip explained. 

“What?” Lukas shot up so that he was now sitting up straight. 

That’s when he heard the knocking followed up by the sound of his agent’s voice calling out his name. 

“Shit! Shitshithshit!” Lukas jumped out of his bed. “That’s Brett,” he explained to Philip as he pulled his jeans from the day before over his legs. 

“What do you want me to do?” Philip asked, standing timidly next to the bedroom door, that's when Lukas noticed that he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxer briefs. 

“Lukas!” Brett called out again before knocking. 

“Give me a second!” Lukas yelled back. 

Lukas looked at Philip and contemplated his next actions, “Fuck!” He cursed once more before rushing out to the living room and gathering up Philip’s things. 

“Here,” Lukas said as he shoved Philip’s clothes and camera into Philip’s arms. 

“Where the fuck am I supposed to go, Lukas?” Philip asked harshly. 

Lukas pursed his lips as he walked over to the linen closet, smiling wryly as he opened the door. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Philip said, a dumbfounded expression pointed at Lukas. 

Lukas shook his head. He knew that this was fucked up on, like, every level. The last thing he wanted to do was make Philip feel like this--something to be hidden away or kept a secret. But he wasn’t ready for Brett, or anyone for that matter, to know. 

Not yet. 

“What the hell is going on in there?” Lukas could hear Brett ask through his front door. 

“Please?” Lukas pleaded in a hushed tone. 

Philip looked at him once more, stared at Lukas in that way that told him he had just fucked up, and walked into the closet. 

Lukas shut the door softly before walking over to his front door. 

He opened it to see a very confused Brett staring back at him.

“What the fuck were you doing in here? Finding the eighth wonder of the world?” Brett asked as he pushed himself past a shirtless Lukas and walked into the apartment. “I mean seriously-” Brett cut his complaint short as his eyes met the couch that looked freshly slept in; wrinkled blanket, indented pillow and all. 

“Who slept on the couch?” Brett asked, the hint of mischievousness he often hid under suits or expensive hair gel seeping through the tone of his voice. 

“I did!” Lukas admitted a little too readily, “I got drunk last night and was too fucked up to make it to my bed.” 

Brett eyed him suspiciously and walked a few feet forward, sending Lukas into full blown panic mode as Brett saw that the bed was slept in as well. 

“So then, why is the bed slept in?” Brett’s grin, when it finally came, spread slowly across his face, moving all the faded freckles he constantly bragged about getting in California.

Brett couldn’t have known, but that question sent Lukas into full blown panic mode. All of the sounds around him filtered through his ears in such a way that it sounded like he was under water, and his attention zeroing in on every detail, every _clue_ of Philip’s presence that Brett had yet to notice. 

The car keys on the counter. 

The cell phone on the console table. 

The hickey on Lukas’ neck he completely forgot about up until now. 

Lukas tried to keep his breathing under control as he began to laugh coolly. 

“Okay, you got me” Lukas said as he threw his hands up in mock surrender, “I had a girl over, she didn’t want to share the bed so I slept on the couch.” 

Brett clapped Lukas’ shoulder and doubled over with laughter. 

“Well why didn’t you just say so, dumbass?” Brett barked out as he continued to crack up. “What’d you do? Throw the poor girl out the window while I was knocking?” 

Lukas forced out a responsive chuckle as his eyes drifted toward the linen closet. 

“Yeah, yeah...why are you here anyways?” Lukas tried to change the subject. 

“You have a last minute meeting with the sponsorship team today,” Brett began to explain.“They want to talk to you about keeping up your image for the upcoming race and yaddah yaddah yaddah,” Brett finished with a dismissing wave of his hand. 

“You couldn’t have just texted me that?” Lukas asked, tight-lipped. 

“I did!” Brett responded. “I texted you an hour ago and when you didn’t respond I thought you must have died or something because you’ve never slept in this late, hell, you’ve never slept in at all.” 

Lukas looked at the digital clock that sat in his kitchen, 10:43 AM. He had slept over 10 hours. Usually he only slept eight hours, at the most. And that wasn’t exactly by choice either, but because his paranoia kept him awake and restless when the nightmares didn’t. 

“Also, some new information,” Brett added as he typed some paragraph out on his phone, “I told your dad and he said he wants to be at the meeting.” 

Lukas closed his eyes tightly in frustration and sighed out through his nose. His dad was always interested in coming to the meetings or whatever “big” thing Lukas was advancing his career with. Lukas guessed that it was his way of being supportive but it really just seemed to Lukas as overbearing. The only reason Bo wasn’t at the photoshoot was because he had a big work event to attend. 

Thank God for that, Lukas thought. 

“Okay, can you get out of my apartment now?” Lukas ushered Brett back towards the front door. 

“Ooo why?” Brett teased as he stood in the doorway. “Is your girl coming back?” 

“Bye, Brett!” Lukas shouted as he shoved his agent out of the way and closed his door. 

Lukas sighed and rested his forehead against the door, letting his arms dangle freely in an attempt to loosen himself up. 

He heard the linen closet doors open up from behind him and turned around to see an absent Philip staring at him with bleak eyes. 

“Hey…” Lukas’ voice trailed off as he walked towards Philip, “shit, Philip, I’m really sorry about that.” 

Philip didn’t even look him in the eyes, just started pulling his jeans and shirt onto his body. 

“Look,” Lukas’ began, “you have to go but can I call you later?” 

Lukas looked down at Philip who still wouldn’t look at him.

“Philip- hey,” Lukas grabbed Philip’s hand and intertwined their fingers, a gesture that caught the brown eyed boy’s attention. “Thank you,” Lukas praised before bending down to place a feather-light kiss to Philip’s forehead. 

“Is this how it’s gonna be Lukas?” Philip challenged the charming gesture, “You hiding me like some dirty secret and having me compromise my own integrity to keep you closeted?” 

Lukas clicked his tongue and took a step back. He really didn’t want to fight with Philip, not again. 

“Philip, you _know_ it’s complicated. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t have to-” 

“Do you?” Philip looked up at Lukas with dark eyes. “Have to?” He added. 

Lukas opened and closed his mouth as he thought of his next words, he never knew what to say in situations like these. He was terrible at comforting Rose and he was--and still is--terrible at comforting Philip. Lukas wasn’t used to someone needing “emotional intelligence,” as Rose had called it, from him. That kind of thing wasn’t encouraged in his house, it wasn’t even talked about. His dad had always told him to “be a man”; keep your feelings under control and never let anyone know when you were upset. When others, who were fortunate enough to not have been taught that lesson, expressed any type of emotion that wasn’t outwardly happy--Lukas never knew how to handle it. 

But he wanted to try. 

“I know I care too much about what people think, okay? I know I put you through _so much_ crap and I hate myself for that, okay? But I’m just not ready,” Lukas placed his hands at the base of Philip’s neck and rubbed circles over his collarbones with his thumbs. “I don’t want to lose you again, though.” 

Philip’s eyes fluttered shut and Lukas felt more than heard him take a deep breath. 

“Okay,” Philip said, nodding to Lukas before moving past him to grab his car keys off of the counter.

“Wait, Philip,” Lukas went over to grab his wallet off of the counter and dig out the 400 dollars he had promised Philip, “here.” 

Philip looked down at the money for a couple seconds, like he was contemplating whether or not he wanted to take it. But in the end, he grabbed the bills between his index and middle finger and turned to leave without saying a word. 

“Are we good?” Lukas asked, concern dripping heavily from his tone. 

Philip turned his head slightly, back facing Lukas, hand on the doorknob. 

“Yeah, we’re good, Lukas,” Philip said before opening the door and closing it behind him at record speed. 

And somehow, even with his lack of emotional intelligence, Lukas knew Philip was lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to all of those who celebrate it! And Happy Holidays to those who don't! I'm actually uploading this really late on Christmas Eve so it's not technically Christmas yet, but I figured that most of you guys were gonna see this on Christmas lol. I want to thank you for all of the love on the last chapter!!! You guys were so supportive, as always, and I really enjoyed seeing all of your enthusiasm about the contents of the last chapter haha. This chapter was originally going to be longer, but then I realized that it was nearing eight pages worth of writing and that seemed excessive so I found a comfortable place to stop and I'll try to get chapter 9 up tomorrow since Christmas really isn't going to be too big of a celebration for my family this year lol. Like I said, the next two chapters are going to be kinda sad and we're gonna see Philip spiral which will then lead up to where I want to go with this fic which is back to Tivoli!! Things are going to be uncovered, whether they're uncovered willfully by the boys or not is all up to y'all to speculate until then. I know Christmas/the Holidays can be hard for some people, so if you're one of those people and a fan of this fic, I hope this chapter was able to satisfy you a little bit, because I wouldn't blame you if it didn't brighten your spirits lol.


	9. i've been building up this thing for months

The places where Lukas had touched Philip still flushed hot like an imprint of flame as he walked back to his car. The wet, cold surroundings juxtaposing Philip’s internal thoughts that burned with a million different questions and a billion different frustrations. It didn’t help that his head ached like it did when we used to drink, only now it wasn’t booze that left him feeling hungover. 

It was Lukas. 

Philip sighed as he got into his car, his fist closed tightly around the 400 dollars that Lukas had given him. It made Philip feel dirty, Lukas offered him the money like it was some form of apology and Philip just _took it_ \--like that would be enough to make up for Lukas shoving Philip in a closet while he lied _again_. 

What scared Philip was the thought that it might have been enough. That anything would have been enough. Because Philip, even after all that just transpired, still fought the urge to run back to the apartment--beg Lukas to stay there because just being _around_ the other boy was enough to keep Philip’s tumultuous mind at bay. And when Lukas practically begged Philip to stay the night--it was everything he’d ever wanted. Philip was used to being the one who begged for people to stay, and he had grown accustomed to that, but there Lukas was, giving Philip what he never knew he craved. 

He thought back to the question Lukas had asked him before he left, 

“‘Are we good’”

Philip had said yes, if only to make things easier for himself, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Him and Lukas weren’t “good,” they ruined any chance they had at being “good” when they put their own selfish wants above a literal homicide case. 

Selfish, Philip thought, that was the right word. 

The word that perfectly described what he was doing, acting purely based off of meaningless desires and cravings for attention. He could have laughed in Lukas’ face and left him there in the bar, he should have done that. He could have given Lukas an ultimatum: confess to the authorities and have Philip be his forever. But Philip didn’t do that, because he knew that Lukas would have never taken him up on it, and the thought of not having Lukas anymore when he just got him back seemed more frightening than anything else. He was addicted to the little flares of _life_ Lukas gave him when he was around.

That’s what made this whole thing so contradictory; though Philip was acting on selfish desires, he was simultaneously being his own worst enemy. 

Philip groaned and started up his car, turning the key malaisedly in the ignition. 

“What the fuck have I gotten myself into again?” He asked himself as he began pulling out of his parking spot. 

* * *

Philip found himself outside Phoebe’s door, a common place he ended up when he was dealing with his classic inner turmoil. He knew her parents would be out of the house working this early, so he didn’t expect anyone but Phoebe to open the door after he knocked. 

You can imagine his surprise when her girlfriend, Maddison, opened the door. Maddie, the girlfriend who--according to Philip’s calculations--should still be in rehab. 

But, Philip was never too good at math, so he tried to let it go.

“Hey, Philip!” Maddie excitedly greeted him as she practically jumped to wrap her arms around his narrow shoulders. Philip noticed that she smelt like Phoebe’s shampoo. 

“Hey, Maddie,” Philip hesitantly returned the hug “What are you doing here?” He tried to make his voice seem as nonchalant as possible. 

“Don’t worry,” Maddie responded as she pulled back from the hug, “I didn’t skip out on rehab.” 

Philip smiled wryly and stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets. 

“My brother could only afford so many overnight stays, but I’m totally feeling better!” Maddie smiled wide at Philip, and he took the time to take in her appearance. 

She was dressed in one of Phoebe’s T-shirts and a pair of denim shorts, her expression was happy but Philip could see the eyebags she had tried to cover with concealer, the bitten nails she painted fuchsia, the way she couldn’t seem to stand still. Philip guessed Maddie had to have just finished her withdrawals, she may have said she was feeling better but it was clear she was still on edge. 

Addicts become experts at fooling people, but other addicts know the tells of someone struggling to not go on another bender. 

Philip could see them from miles away. 

“I’m glad to hear that,” he smiled back at Maddie, filing his observations away for another time. “Is Phoebe he-”

“Babe?” Philip could hear his best friend’s voice call out from inside the house, “Who's at the door- oh! Hey, Philip.” Phoebe didn’t look surprised to see him here as she walked up from behind Maddie, she knew what Philip showing up unannounced meant. “Where have you been?” Phoebe’s tone was just accusatory enough for Philip to notice, Maddie just continued to smile up at her girlfriend. 

Philip stared back at his friend, slightly widening his eyes in a way that he hoped would get his motivations for coming across to Phoebe. 

Phoebe must have gotten the idea because soon enough she was handing Maddie her car keys, asking her to pick up some Taco Bell. 

“If you’re not back here with my car in 15 minutes I’m sending out a search party,” Phoebe laughed as she spoke to her girlfriend, but Philip could tell she was only half joking. 

Maddie rolled her eyes and flashed another kind smile at Philip before walking over to Phoebe’s blue Sedan. 

Phoebe gestured for Philip to come in, and waved goodbye at Maddie before closing the door. 

Philip eyed Phoebe as she turned back towards him. 

“Oh don’t give me that look!” Phoebe scoffed as she walked past the boy. 

“You’re already letting her drive your car again?” Philip asked dumbfounded as he followed behind her. 

“It’s not like she crashed it,” Phoebe threw her arms up in the air and dropped them back down to her sides as they entered the living room. 

She sighed as she practically tossed herself onto the grey suede couch. 

Philip sat down next to her. 

“If I hover over her it’s just going to make things worse,” Phoebe added. 

“Why is she even here?” Philip asked, trying his best to keep the judgment out of his tone; he really did think it was better for Maddie to not be so dependent on Phoebe. His attempts must not have worked, because Phoebe was suddenly glowering at him. 

“Don’t say _shit_ about my relationship when I know damn well you’ve been hanging out with Lukas,” hearing Lukas’ name come out of Phoebe’s mouth in such an angry tone caused Philip’s face to flush with anger. He didn’t feel like examining why. 

“How could you possibly know that?” Philip copied his friend’s tone. 

Phoebe reached over to tug at Philip’s collar lightly, exposing a bright purple hickey blooming on Philip’s neck. 

“Oh,” was all Philip said. 

“Yeah,” Phoebe responded coldly as she leaned back against the couch, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. 

They sat in silence for a minute, maybe two. They would get like this sometimes, Philip recalled, neither one happy with the other’s choices but unable to fully call them out due to hypocrisy. Philip couldn’t really fault Phoebe for being so lenient with Maddie, hell, he’s been way more lenient with Lukas in the past 24 hours than she’s ever been with Maddie. 

“I’m sorry,” Philip offered, turning to face Phoebe. 

Phoebe sighed and uncrossed her arms, “I’m sorry too, you were only concerned for me,” she said. 

“And Maddie, too,” Philip added to her statement, “I’ve been where she is, ya know?” 

Phoebe nodded her head and clamped her eyes shut, “I know, I know. It was stupid of me to get so upset. I just get enough shit from my parents about it, I don’t need to hear it from anyone else right now.”

“Okay, I get it,” Philip agreed, and he really did understand. 

“So,” Phoebe shifted the topic away from her, “tell me everything.” 

Philip laughed and made a joke about her buckling her seatbelt before diving into the whole story: the cryptic email, the bar, Lukas keeping Philip from speeding off in his car, Lukas’ apartment and apologetic affection. 

Of course, leaving out the whole murder mystery aspect of the whole thing. 

“Wow,” Phoebe exclaimed. 

“Yep.” 

“Are you gonna call him?” Phoebe then asked, curiosity mixing with her occasional gossipy tone. 

Philip tossed the question around in his head for a moment and he began to chew on his nails, he knew she wasn’t just asking about a phone call--she was asking if Philip was going to go back; she was asking if he was stupid enough to give Lukas the chance to hurt him again. 

“I don’t know,” is the answer he finally settled on. “He has a meeting today anyways, so I have some time to think about it.” 

“Yeah and maybe some time to sleep,” Phoebe jokes. “You got some serious dark circles, dude.” 

Philip shrugged and went to stand up. 

“Are you leaving?” Phoebe asked from her spot on the couch. 

“Yeah, I have to charge my phone and I should probably water my plants,” Philip cringed at the thought of his plants going another hour without water. 

“Okay good because I only gave Maddie enough money for two meals,” Phoebe chuckled and Philip poked his tongue out at her mockingly. 

“Let me know how everything goes,” Phoebe’s retreating voice requested as Philip walked away from her. 

Philip waved his hand above his head in recognition of her statement before walking out the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....Holy shit I'm so sorry lol, I seriously didn't mean to just disappear for two weeks. I don't have any excuses except that I was just really unmotivated and had a huge case of writer's block. This chapter is a little shorter than the previous ones because I found that writing shorter chapters tends to be less intimidating for me. Next one (Lukas' perspective) will be a lot longer and drive the plot way further. I don't know when I will be able to get that one up but it definitely won't be two weeks from now lol. I hope you guys are still here and didn't lose interest, just know that if this ever happens again: I'M NOT GIVING UP ON THE FIC. I literally hate not finishing things so if I disappear again, it's not because I don't want to write the fic anymore its just because I'm unmotivated haha. I hope you guys liked this chapter and I hope y'all are excited for the next one and aren't too bored with the fic now that its been two weeks. I appreciate everyone who reads this fic so much, you all deserve so many good things and you make my days <3


	10. there's a part of you that you won't help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is super long, around six thousand words, so hopefully you guys are able to read through all of it without getting tired lol.  
> TW: Drinking and talk of suicide

Heights never really bothered Lukas. How could they when he spent half of his life flying through the air on various death traps? Sometimes he never felt any more free than when he was up some couple hundred feet in the air. But right now, as he stared out the crystal clear window of the conference hall on the tenth story of some skyscraper, he never felt any more trapped. His dad sat next to him, smiling wide at the idea of his own son having a whole conference room to himself with his sponsors--who sat across from Lukas--while Brett fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair on the other side of Lukas. 

He envied the way Brett could move so freely, Lukas hadn’t dared move more than a centimetre in any direction since Bo sat down--it was as if his body was frozen in place out of preparation for a fight. 

“Lukas?” Bo called out from beside him, and Lukas instinctively reached up to make sure that the popped up collar on his jacket still hid the hickey that Philip had placed there less than 24 hours before. 

Lukas looked away from the window and saw all eyes on him, waiting expectantly for an answer to a question Lukas didn’t hear. 

“Sorry, what’s up?” Lukas heard his father grumble about his son’s unprofessional tone. 

The sponsorship team, three men in their mid to late thirties, chuckled lightly in the same rehearsed laugh before the blond one in the middle--Lukas couldn’t quite remember his name--started speaking. 

“As you know, the entrance race for the AMA Circuit is in just a few days-” 

Lukas had to keep himself from shooting up out of his chair as the man’s words registered in his brain, had he seriously forgotten about how close the race was? It didn’t make sense, for months all Lukas _did_ was eat, sleep, and breath training for the Circuit. How could he just forget it in just a couple of days? 

“-now, you have been nothing but perfectly unproblematic these past few years,” the man continued as Lukas tried to recover from his hidden shock, “but we want to make sure that there are no secrets ready to come out of woodwork before your big break.” The man finished, and the two next to him laughed like something he said was funny, Bo and Brett joined in on the laughter. 

Lukas couldn’t be bothered to find the humor in the statement, but he forced out a laugh anyways. 

“So, just to be completely transparent,” the blond man spoke in a more serious tone now, “is there anything--anything at all--that we need to know about? Anything that can come out to bite you in the ass before the race?” 

Lukas swallowed hard and looked down at the table, here was his chance. He could lay it all out right here, right now. His career would probably be done for, the sponsorship would _definitely_ be done for. He guessed that he would have to go back to Tivoli, might even have to go to jail for a bit while the authorities sorted everything out. Lukas wasn’t the most well-rounded, but he assumed that failing to report what he knew to Helen would make him some type of accessory to the Cabin Shooter’s escape. The thought sent a shiver down Lukas’ spine. 

“Lukas?” His father called out once again from beside him. “ _Is_ there anything we need to know?” Bo asked. 

Lukas looked up and saw that all eyes were once again watching him intently, this time with worry in their expressions. 

He could end it all right here, end Philip’s _and_ his own suffering. Maybe Philip would visit him in jail. 

Lukas found the thought laughable beneath it’s dark undertones. He imagined himself in some straight-out-of-Hollywood orange jumpsuit, glass separating Lukas and Philip as they talked through a phone. Philip would make a joke and Lukas would laugh like he didn’t have a guard standing behind him. 

Maybe jail wouldn’t be so bad. 

But when Lukas opened his mouth to speak, the words that came out weren’t a confession. 

“No,” Lukas spoke before laughing wryly. “Not unless my ex girlfriend still has it out for me,” he finished and watched with anticipation as the faces around him slowly turned upwards into knowing grins and the room erupted with laughter. 

Lukas felt a small reward of relief, but his body remained stiff as ever. 

“Well, that’s all good to hear,” a man with bushy eyebrows to the left of the blond one spoke now. “I would hate to be on Kurtis Nelson’s sponsorship team right about now,” the man added and Lukas didn’t immediately remember who this Kurtis Nelson person was. “What, with the whole outing scandal that happened last week.” 

And then Lukas remembered: Kurtis Nelson was the gay rider he was competing against. 

His body stiffened even more, if that was possible, as Lukas waited for Bo to make a comment. 

And sure enough, he did. 

“Please,” Lukas’ father began, “if you ask me, that whole thing was staged. I mean, the kid got like 50 interviews after that happened. Who’s to say him and his team didn’t plan it just so he could get some more publicity.” Bo finished, sighing as he leaned back in his chair. 

Lukas didn’t dare look up from the table, but he could see out of the corner of his eye how Brett watched Bo--like he was realizing why Lukas had acted the way he did on the drive from the photoshoot. 

“Don’t get me wrong,” Bo started to backpedal as he usually did when he was in the presence of people he believed to be more liberal than him, “I have nothing against the gays-”

Lukas cringed at that phrase. 

“-I just don’t see why it needs to be celebrated the way it is. What makes them any more special than the rest of us?” Bo continued. Lukas didn’t like how his dad used the word _them_ , as if Bo thought gay people were different from him. 

Lukas clenched his fists underneath the table. He raised his eyes the slightest bit, wanting to see the looks on the sponsors faces. Would they be angry? Would they be confused? 

Would they look like they agreed? 

But Lukas couldn’t make out any emotion on any of their faces, and maybe that could be chalked up to his lack of emotional intelligence--but it was as if the men had been so accustomed to moments like these they just learned to go totally blank during them. 

Lukas could only describe the look as zoned out, like they would rather do anything else than _feel_ what Bo’s words meant. 

Lukas clenched his fists tighter as his dad droned on. 

“All I know is that this _Kurtis Nelson_ didn’t deserve any special treatment simply because he’s a pansy-” 

“Just shut up!” Lukas shouted before he had time to think and slammed his fists on the table as he stood up out of his chair, letting it fall to the floor behind him with a loud crash. 

The sponsorship team finally snapped out of whatever trance they were in to stare up in shock at Lukas. 

The sound of Lukas’ heavy breathing filled the otherwise silent room as he stared down at his father--who stared back with surprise laced with an emotion Lukas didn’t recognize. 

Realization, maybe. 

Brett reached out in what Lukas could only guess was an attempt to calm him down but Lukas was already storming out of the conference room’s doors before Brett had the chance to actually touch him. 

Lukas was hyperventilating now, grabbing at his hair and _pulling_ at it as he raced to the nearest elevator, punching the down button with his fingers repeatedly until the elevator doors opened. He stepped in and started to choke back sobs as he thought about what he just did. He couldn’t stop seeing the look in Bo’s eyes. Catastrophizing thoughts raced through his mind: 

He was going to lose his sponsorship. 

His dad was never going to speak to him again. 

“Fuck!” Lukas sobbed out just before the elevator doors opened to the first floor. He was thankful that the front desk lady didn’t seem to notice the borderline crying man that was speed walking through the lobby; that or she just didn’t care. Lukas would have been fine with either. 

The outside air felt just as suffocating as the inside, Lukas noticed. He tried remembering where he parked his bike but his mind couldn’t focus on anything but the five pairs of eyes that stared back at him just minutes ago. 

“Lukas!” He heard Brett shout his name from behind him and didn’t bother turning to look at him before walking off in a random direction. 

He couldn’t handle talking to anyone right now, he could barely handle breathing. 

“Lukas, stop,” Brett’s footsteps sounded more rushed now, but Lukas didn’t make any move to start running. 

It wasn’t three seconds before Brett had caught up to him. 

“Lukas,” Brett grabbed Lukas’ arm to keep him from walking any further. 

“Let go of me!” Lukas snarled as he forcefully pulled his arm away from Brett’s grip, but the other man was obviously stronger than him and Brett’s hand didn’t so much as falter. 

“You can’t ride home like this,” Brett gestured to Lukas’ clear panicked state and Lukas wanted to disappear right then and there. 

“You don’t give a _shit_ about me,” Lukas scoffed out as an attempt to insult his way out of appearing any more weak than he already did. 

But Lukas’ words seemed to have no impact on Brett as he continued to talk, “Listen,” he began, “your dad was an asshole in there, okay?” Brett fought to meet Lukas’ gaze as he spoke. “But it’s nothing to get this upset about-” 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Lukas interrupted in a defeated tone. 

Brett stared at him for a moment, and Lukas couldn’t even find the energy to be annoyed by it. He was, however, afraid Brett would ask what he meant. 

Thankfully, he didn’t. 

“You’re right,” Brett admitted as he let go of Lukas’ arm, “but I do know that your sponsorship is still safe, if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

Lukas’ heart slowed down at Brett’s words and his ears stopped ringing for the first time since he stormed out of the conference room. 

“Really?” Lukas questioned. 

Brett laughed, “Yes, they’ve seen worse, Lukas.” 

Lukas didn’t believe that, he couldn’t think of anything worse than what he just did. 

“Shit,” Lukas sighed out as he rubbed his hands up and down his face. 

“Do you want me to give you a ride back to your apartment?” Brett offered, and Lukas could hear the same tone of concern that he had grown to hate seeping into Brett’s voice. 

“No, thank you,” he replied as he began digging the keys to his bike out of his pocket. 

“If you’re worried about your bike, I can come pick it up lat-” 

“Brett,” Lukas interrupted, putting on the blank expression he saved for times like these, “I said no.” 

Brett stared at him again before holding his hands up in defeat and turning around to walk back to his truck. 

Lukas wasted no time before he started to look for his bike. He didn’t know where his dad was--probably planning out the spew of rants he was going to yell at Lukas over the phone tonight--but Lukas wanted to be gone before his dad came out of the building. 

* * *

Philip called Lukas just minutes after he got back to his apartment, and Lukas denied the call. Philip then texted him 20 minutes later, asking him whether or not he was still at the meeting--Lukas didn’t reply. Philip called him again about an hour after that, and Lukas let it go to voicemail. 

Philip didn’t leave one. 

He realized that he promised to call Philip after the meeting, and he knew that that raspy yet smooth voice was the only thing that could cheer him up. But he couldn’t get past the queasy feeling that startled in his stomach whenever he reached for the phone. It was the same feeling he got when Philip would come over to his house when Bo was there; it was the same feeling he got when Philip tried talking to him in the halls at school. It disgusted Lukas that that feeling still lingered in his body, but he didn’t want to face it just yet, so he tried to avoid talking to Philip. 

And he had nearly succeeded, Lukas had gone to bed that night after hours of mindlessly watching bad TV without speaking--or typing--one word to Philip. His fingers ached to type out a response to Philip, his thoughts were just lists of all of the things he wanted to say to him over the phone--but he fought every urge up until what he accepted as a normal bed time. 

But Lukas knew the minute he laid his head on his pillow that it wouldn’t last, because his night terrors had become the only consistent thing in his life anymore. Lukas had come to expect them, especially after a stressful day--which seemed to be every day for Lukas now. 

But this nightmare had been particularly worse than the others. 

Lukas couldn’t remember all of the details, he never did, but he remembered visions of a pale and skeletal Tommy and Tracy watching him from the dark corners of his room, then hearing the cries from their mothers as they inched their way towards him with something lying in both of their arms. Lukas didn’t remember what that something was, but it was bad enough to get him shooting up from his bed in a half-asleep haze, grabbing his phone to call Philip. 

So here he was, waiting anxiously for an answer and the phone trilling away as it waited for Philip to pick up on the other end. 

“Hello?” Lukas breathed a sigh of relief as he heard Philip’s voice ring out from his phone’s speaker. 

“Hey,” Lukas said casually as if he wasn’t calling someone at two in the morning. 

“Hey, Lukas,” Philip’s voice was slow and soft, and Lukas was suddenly struck with the realization that he may have woken Philip up. 

“Shit, did I wake you?” Lukas waited for the other’s reply as he picked at the loose strings on his blanket. 

“No, no you didn’t actually,” Philip answered. 

Lukas was about to ask why Philip was up at two in the morning, but Philip spoke first. 

“What’s wrong?” Philip asked. 

Lukas thought about how to respond for a minute, all while Philip stayed silent save for the light noise his soft breaths created. It was calming, the way Philip’s exhale was audibly longer than his inhale. Lukas could listen to that sound forever--the sound of Philip _breathing_ and waiting patiently for a response that would never come because Lukas was too content listening to signs of life in the other boy. 

“I just wanted to talk to you,” Lukas finally settled on.

“Didn’t seem that way earlier,” Philip quipped, like the remark was something he had been waiting to say but the motivation behind it had run dry. 

“I’m sorry about that, some stuff happened,” Lukas explained, knowing it wouldn’t be enough for Philip. 

“Okay,” Philip’s voice was soft, almost fragile, and it made Lukas give up more information without the expected request. 

“My dad was at that meeting I went to,” Lukas explained, noticing how Philip’s breathing picked up at the mention of Bo. “I kind of snapped at him and it just led to a whole bunch of other...crap.” Lukas waited for a response from Philip. When one didn’t come, he added one last statement. “You know how I spiral sometimes.” Lukas’ voice was just above a whisper. 

“Yeah,” Philip finally spoke, “yeah, I do.” 

They both stayed quiet for a couple minutes after that, Lukas took note of the sound of creaking floorboards coming from the other end of the line. 

Was Philip pacing? 

“What was the meeting about anyways?” Philip broke the silence, his voice covering up the sounds of his footsteps. 

“Just some race I have coming up in a few days,” Lukas leaned his back against his headboard and breathed in deeply, timing his exhale perfectly with Philip’s. 

“What race?” 

“You wouldn’t know it-” 

“Is it the Circuit?” Philip had interrupted Lukas, and Lukas was pleasantly surprised Philip knew what that even was; even more so that he knew that it was coming up. 

“Yeah,” Lukas smiled softly as the word fell from his lips. 

“Can I come?” Philip’s voice was firmer now, like it usually got when he was expecting an argument. Lukas had heard it one too many times not to imagine the furrowed brows and crossed arms that came along with it. 

Lukas pulled at his frayed blanket again, biting down on his lip as he ignored the question. 

Maybe Philip would let it go, Lukas thought. 

“Lukas? Can I come?” Philip pressed, it was almost laughable--how Lukas even _thought_ Philip would let something like this go. 

“My dad is going to be there,” Lukas explained, hoping that maybe Philip’s breathing would shift the way it did before and he would understand. Then Lukas wouldn’t have to break Philip’s heart at two in the morning. 

But Philip’s breathing stayed steady, like he was focused on it now. 

“Okay?” Philip responded, pointedly saying the word to leave room for Lukas to explain why that was a problem. Lukas knew that Philip knew what was coming, he was waiting for it. 

Lukas rolled his eyes at Philip’s dramatics, the kid didn’t exactly make it easy to avoid disappointing him. 

“Well, if he sees you-” 

“It’s a giant fucking stadium,” Philip interrupted Lukas’ excuse. “I doubt he’ll see me.” 

“But you can’t be sure, can you?” Lukas rasped. 

Philip didn’t speak for a long while, maybe two, three minutes. Lukas tried to revel in the sound of his breathing again, but each breath sounded like a sigh of disappointment. 

“So what? You just don’t want me to go? Want me to stay in my shitty apartment and watch you compete on my shitty TV knowing I could be there with you if you weren’t such a _coward_?” Philip’s badgering words weren’t a surprise to Lukas, he had expected him to get mad. Maybe if the Lukas that was on the phone with Philip right now was 18 year old Lukas--maybe then Lukas would have gotten defensive at Philip calling him a coward. But the Lukas that realized, fully realized, how much pain he had put Philip through in the last few days let alone the last five years, welcomed the insult. 

But he hated the pain that Philip was masking underneath it. 

“Philip, please, It’s just a stupid competition,” Lukas begged. 

“No it isn’t!” Philip argued back, raising his voice sharply. “This is probably one of the biggest races of your career, this is what you were working towards when I first met you. This is what you tossed me aside for five years ago.” Philip’s voice cracked and caught in his throat as if it and his heart would break any minute. Maybe his heart was already broken. 

“Philip-”

“I want to be there to support you,” Philip had gotten his voice under control now, it was back to the firm and monotone state that Lukas despised. 

“I’ll be thinking of you the entire time,” Lukas offered, knowing he would have been thinking of Philip whether or not this conversation happened. “We can hang out afterwards, I’ll take you to this nice rooftop restaurant nearby to celebrate my inevitable win,” Lukas chuckled as he tried to add some lightheartedness to this painful conversation. He liked the idea of picking Philip up at his apartment; liked the idea of holding Philip’s hand on the drive to the restaurant; liked the idea of staring out at the city lights that Philip loved so much and learning to love them as well because if they made Philip happy, then they must have been worthy of Lukas’ appreciation. 

But Lukas couldn’t live in this fantasy forever, and Philip’s words on the other line pulled him right out of it. 

“Whatever you say, Lukas.” Philip hung up the call before Lukas could even open his mouth to speak. 

“Shit!” Lukas yelled, throwing his phone across the room. 

* * *

The stadium roared around Lukas as he and the other riders prepared to go out onto the track. Some girl had just finished belting the beginning notes of The Star Spangled Banner, which meant that the race was starting in just a few minutes. There would be a few more words from companies who placed an add with the race after she finished singing, then after that a renowned Motocross racer would speak for a couple minutes--Lukas hadn’t bothered looking up who it would be this year--and then maybe one last rundown of the audience rules would be read. It would all take ten minutes at the most--ten minutes for the riders to do one last checkup on their gear; ten minutes for them to pray or do twenty push ups or whatever pumped them up to go in front of thousands of people and ride like their lives depended on it. 

Lukas thought of what he might have done had Philip not ignored him the past few days, he would have texted him for one last message of encouragement and kept his phone securely fastened in a pocket over his heart as a good luck charm. But Lukas didn’t bother texting Philip, he knew the other boy wouldn’t have answered. 

After their fight, Lukas hadn’t been able to get a lick of sleep--he stayed up all night, hoping that maybe Philip would call him or text him or fucking email him _something_. But Philip never did any of that, so Lukas texted him. And called him an hour later when he didn’t respond. Lukas made this a routine of some sorts, using the hours in between the times when he allowed himself to reach out to Philip as training hours. He would spend hours at a time on his bike, perfecting moves he already mastered, before he would check to see if Philip had reached out back to him. And when his notifications came up blank, Lukas would do it all over again. 

And still, as Lukas looked around at his competition knowing he had more hours of training under his belt than any of them, he couldn’t quite shake the feeling of anxiety that loomed over him. 

Lukas did a once over of himself in the mirror that lined the underneath of the stadium. He wasn’t the biggest fan of the black and neon green combination, but the sponsors called it “eye-catching” and Lukas couldn’t argue with that. The name of his sponsor was plastered in some obnoxious font on the front of his long sleeved shirt along with the outside of his right pant leg. Lukas looked up to stare at his face, expecting to see the boyish excitement that motivated him towards this exact moment all these years, but he was met with glassy eyes and a frown that never seemed to go away. 

Well, almost never. 

He sighed and stepped away from the mirror, turning to go back to fiddling with his bike as he pretended to look busy. Some of the riders were making light conversation with each other, but Lukas hated small talk and that seemed to be all any of them were doing. 

“Son,” Lukas heard his dad’s voice call out to him and automatically stiffened. He knew Bo would be at the race but Lukas didn’t think he would be allowed down here. 

“Hey, dad,” Lukas swallowed the anxiety that balled up in his throat and forced on a smile as he continued pretending to check his bike's mechanics. 

“I don’t want to keep you too long,” Bo’s voice sounded more sincere than normal. “I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens tonight, I’m real proud of you.” 

Lukas looked up at his dad from beneath his shaggy brown hair, Bo’s expression was soft as he looked down at his son. 

“Th-thank you, dad,” Lukas mumbled as he directed his eyes back to his bike, not wanting to dissect the meaning of this father-son moment right now. 

“You know, with all that stuff that happened back in Tivoli with that Philip kid, I gotta be honest I was worried you wouldn’t make it this far.” Bo didn’t notice Lukas’ jaw clenching, or the way his knees buckled the slightest bit at the sound of Philip’s name coming out of Bo’s mouth. 

Lukas considered it a miracle when Brett interrupted before his dad could say anything else. 

“Lukas, get ready to get in line. You’re set to ride out after Rodriguez,” Brett said as he gestured vaguely in the direction of the other riders. 

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Bo said before walking off. 

Brett watched Bo go before resting his hands on Lukas’ shoulders, “You got this, kid. You’ve trained longer and _harder_ than anyone else here.” 

Lukas nodded quickly at Brett, feigning enthusiasm at his agent’s pep-talk.

Suddenly, Lukas' chest began to vibrate with his phone. He moved to deny the call, but then he saw who was calling. 

Lukas stared at Philip’s name on the screen for a few seconds before swiping to answer the call, much to Brett’s frustration. He had a few minutes before he had to line up, the call wouldn’t cut into the race. 

“Hello?”

“Lukas?” The voice on the other end was not Philip’s, and Lukas had to do a double take at the name to make sure he read it right. 

He did. 

“Umm, yeah? Who’s this?” 

“Is Philip with you?” The voice, a girl around Lukas’ age, asked without answering his question. The girl’s voice sounded shaky, like she was trying to conceal a more concerning tone. 

Lukas furrowed his brows and stepped an inch or two away from Brett. 

“No, who is this?” Lukas asked the question once again in a mumbled tone, ignoring Brett’s impatient foot tap on the ground. 

“My name is Phoebe, I’m a friend of Philip’s, when was the last time you spoke to him?” The girl, Phoebe, sounded agitated now. 

“A few days ago, can you tell me what’s going on?” Lukas could tell he was starting to sound agitated as well, but this whole thing was making his head start to spin. 

“Philip went AWOL yesterday, he stopped talking to everyone and didn’t show up to a photoshoot he had planned,” Phoebe explained quickly, and Lukas was thankful for her hastiness. “I got worried so I went over to check on him, when he didn’t open the door I used the spare key he hides under the doormat to get in. He’s not here.” 

“But his phone was?” Lukas’ heart began to speed up as he heard the final announcements start to sound. He was running out of time. 

“No shit,” Phoebe barked before sighing, “I think he went to get wasted somewhere. He’s done this before.” 

“Lukas!” Brett harshly whispered his name. “Get off the damn phone, you’ve got like two minutes to get in line!” 

Lukas looked around, the other racers were starting to line up. 

“Okay? I mean I know he was sober but is it really that bad if he drinks every now and then?” Lukas heart was pounding at this point, he couldn’t think straight with all of the noise around him. The racers were starting up their engines. 

There was a beat of silence on the other end of the call.

“You don’t know do you?” Phoebe questioned, her voice going soft for the first time since Lukas started talking to her. 

“Know what?” Lukas’ free hand started up his bike, he straddled it as he prepared to move into line. 

“It’s really not my place to say-”

“Just tell me,” Lukas shouted, Brett looked at him confusedly along with some of the other racers who had started putting on their helmets. 

Phoebe sighed before clearing her throat, “The last time he did this, he-he tried to kill himself,” 

Lukas could feel the color drain from his face 

“Lukas, you need to get in line now,” Brett sounded scared now, but Lukas couldn’t imagine what could be more scary than hearing the words that just came out of Phoebe’s mouth. 

The announcer had finished reading the rules, Lukas had ten seconds tops. 

“Lukas? Lukas, I don’t know what to do. I already called his mom, she hasn’t seen him.” Phoebe continued talking but the ringing in Lukas’ ears made it difficult to hear. 

Five seconds. 

Four. 

Three. 

Two. 

The crowd roared in anticipation for the racers to come out, but no one moved. The racer in the front was holding up the line so Lukas could make it. 

“Lukas, Kurtis is holding up the line for you, go now! Whatever is going on can wait,” Brett explained as he practically begged for Lukas to start riding. 

Lukas saw his career flash before his eyes. His first bicycle that his mom taught him how to ride, the motorcycle he got when he turned 15, his dad’s face when he got signed. And in the middle of it all, clearer than any other image, was Philip’s smiling face and bright brown eyes staring up at him. 

“No it can’t” Lukas muttered. 

“What?”

“What?” 

Both Phoebe and Brett questioned him, and Lukas clenched the phone in his one hand as he waved for the riders to go on without him with the other. 

Brett’s mouth was agape as he stared at Lukas while the racers sped onto the track.

Lukas would worry about him later, but right now all that mattered was Philip. 

“Does he have any spots he likes to hang out at?” Lukas asked, voice suddenly clear and stable--focused. 

“Yes but I checked them all,” Phoebe explained with a more focused voice as well, as if Lukas’ shift in tone had calmed her down. 

“Where did he go the last time he-” Lukas bit back tears as he avoided the words, “you know.” 

“I don’t know, he drove himself to the hospital after taking a bunch of pills. He never told anyone where he went,” Phoebe explained, Lukas’ jaw clenched with realization. 

“I know where he is, stay there in case he comes back,” And with that he hung up the call before shoving his phone forcefully back into its pocket. 

Lukas grabbed his helmet that had been resting on his handlebars and haphazardly placed it on his head. The underneath of the stadium had an exit door just behind them, Lukas spun his bike around speedily. 

“Lukas, what are you-” 

Lukas was already gone before he could hear Brett finish his question. 

* * *

The drive from Brooklyn to Tivoli was two hours most of the time, Lukas was able to do it in 45 minutes. 

He weaved in and out of various intersections using maneuvers that he couldn’t care to think of whether or not they were legal. Lukas thanked God for the upgrade he got on his bike that allowed him to go 120 MPH and only half-worried about speed traps, paying attention to the way cars slowed down around him in expectation. He wanted to go faster, wanted to drive every last car off the road if it meant getting to Philip sooner. Lukas knew that this was his fault, he felt the guilt of it all in his bones. They rattled painfully with every bump that Lukas flew over without caution, and Lukas wasn’t objecting to the feeling. 

By the time the familiar “Welcome to Tivoli!” sign had flown past him in a haze of faded letters, it was only 9:00 PM. It would only take a few more minutes to get to the cabin. 

Lukas’ new bike was loud at his normal pace, he couldn’t imagine what it sounded like at top speed--his helmet blocked out whatever noise the endless ringing in his ears didn’t. He hoped that whoever _did_ wake up due to the noise had the foresight to call the police. Lukas didn’t know how messed up Philip would be, if he would even be messed up at all, but Lukas wasn’t taking any chances. 

He wondered if Philip would need medical attention. 

Lukas pushed the speed dial a tad bit further. 

The clearing where the cabin sat came into view in relatively no time, but Lukas’ entire world was spinning much slower than he deemed acceptable. He jumped over the same mounds he had jumped over dozens of times before, and for once he welcomed the feeling of his wheels hitting the ground. 

The cabin came into view. 

Along with Philip’s car parked directly in front of the nightmarish shack. 

The bike barely had time to turn off completely before Lukas was already jumping off of it. 

“Philip?” Lukas called out as he tossed his bike to the ground and began searching around Philip’s car. 

“Phili-” 

“Go away!” Philip’s voice rang through the air and Lukas whipped his head around towards the sound. 

Philip was stumbling around from the side of the cabin, half-drained bottle of vodka in hand. Lukas quickly rushed over to his side, sweeping his hands over Philip’s body to check for any injuries. 

“Let me go,” Philip fussed as he lazily pulled away from Lukas’ hands. 

“Did you take something?” Lukas asked, holding Philip’s face gently in his hands and scanning his eyes for anything other than drunken sadness. 

Philip made a “tsk” sound and rolled his eyes as he grabbed Lukas’ face in his own hands mockingly. 

“No I didn’t take anyth-anything,” Philip’s words were slurred and his tone was condescending, but Lukas could tell he wasn’t lying. The taller boy finally _breathed._ Philip was okay. 

Physically, at least. 

“Shit, Philip,” Lukas breathed out as he pulled Philip in for a hug. 

Philip shoved Lukas away from him, causing him to stumble backwards. 

“Be careful,” Lukas said gently as he caught Philip by the forearm. 

“You don’t, you don’t care about me,” Philip stammered out as he turned away from Lukas, walking back to wherever he was before Lukas got there. 

Lukas followed him closely, “Don’t say tha-” 

Lukas paused suddenly as he took in the sight around him. They were at the far back corner of the cabin now, where Lukas used to practice his shooting, and the floor was littered with numerous pictures of Lukas. Pictures from their time together in Tivoli, pictures he’d never seen before. Most of them were ones of Lukas when he wasn’t paying attention to Philip, like when he was working on his bike or talking to another person outside of school. There were a few Philip took when Lukas was obviously drunk. And there was one Polaroid of Lukas sipping from a coke bottle, looking directly at the camera and smirking as he took a swig. 

“What the hell, Philip-” 

“I came here to,” Philip paused to hiccup as he sat the bottle of vodka down carefully, “to burn them.” 

Lukas stared at Philip gravely, there was dry grass all around the area; a fire could easily burn out of control. 

“Philip we need to get you home, I’ll drive you-” 

“No!” Philip shouted as he picked up the bottle of vodka again and took a drink. 

“Philip, please.” Lukas stepped closer to Philip, gently taking the bottle from his hands before dumping the remnants onto the earth beneath them. 

The sound that broke out of Philip was nearly a shriek as he watched the liquid fall from the bottle onto the ground. 

“You fucking asshole.” Philip pushed Lukas again, Lukas gave way easily to make sure Philip didn’t stumble. “You _ruined_ me!” His voice broke as tears started to form in his eyes. 

Lukas wanted to cry with him. 

“I _loved_ you, and you,” Philip glowered at Lukas through his tears, “you never cared about me.” 

“That’s not true, Philip,” Lukas stepped up to Philip once more, waiting for another shove from the shorter boy. “I love you, so much.” Lukas let his voice break. If Philip did this because he believed Lukas didn’t care about him, Lukas would show Philip _just_ how much he loved him. “What I did five years ago and these last few days was _awful,”_ Lukas continued _._ “But I did all of it because I was scared, not because I didn’t care about you.” Lukas was crying now, his tears falling freely and mixing with the alcohol that seeped into the dry grass. 

Philip sniffled and looked away from Lukas. 

“I told you it was only going to get worse.” Philips' words were the clearest they had been all night, as if the phrase had suddenly sobered him up. 

Lukas nodded as he thought back to when Philip had first said those words to him, he had thought they were only meant for himself at that point; he never would have guessed that it would apply to Philip too. Lukas thought that he had outgrown his 18 year old self, that it was just some long lost part of him that haunted his every waking move. But even now, Lukas could see how his selfishness kept him blind to Philip’s pain. 

“I know, I know. But, hey,” Lukas cradled Philip’s face with his hands again, the warmth from his cheeks radiating onto Lukas’ palms, “I’ll-I’ll-” Lukas squeezed his eyes shut as he thought of what the next words he was going to say meant. “I’ll put an end to it. Okay? Okay, I’ll come forward and I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.” 

Philip’s eyes widened, and Lukas wanted to weep at how bloodshot and glossed over they were. 

“Do you mean that?” Philips' voice was soft as he asked the question. 

Lukas nodded quickly, “Yes, yes of course. Can you please get in the car now?” Lukas gestured to Philip’s beat up white Toyota. 

Philip nodded slowly before letting Lukas guide him to the passenger seat, Lukas’ arm looped around Philip’s waist. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! This chapter was basically the end of the beginning, I can't wait to move into the next section of the story. The next chapter will be from Philip's perspective and we'll get more insight into his past suicide attempt and the aftermath of the events in this chapter. Sorry if the racing/stadium section was inaccurate, there's not a lot of information online about what goes down at Motocross races lol. New chapter soon! Thank you so mcuh for taking your time to read this fic and I wish you guys a great rest of your morning/afternoon/evening.


	11. you say you can do it, just do it for my sake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: talk of suicide and drinking

Whispered voices sounding from the kitchen woke Philip up in a confused haze. He was in his bed, fully clothed and already glaring at his open curtains to keep the sunlight from directly entering his eyes. He didn’t remember opening his curtains. 

He didn’t remember anything, really. Not at first. 

“Do you think we should call someone?” Philip heard one of the voices, who happened to sound a lot like Lukas, ask. 

Philip squeezed his eyes shut as various memories were pulled into his conscious mind. They weren’t exactly  _ complete _ memories, they came to him in scattered flashes of blurry recollections and distorted sounds of worried, pleading words that weren’t quite matching up with the one spoken before一like trying to shove two puzzle pieces together and one end being just the slightest bit too thick or too small. 

But Philip got the idea. 

He tensed up his body, pressed it into his mattress in hopes that maybe if he tried hard enough the padding and box springs would swallow him whole. 

Two years, Philip had been sober for two years. Well, two years, six months, and 19 days to be exact. 

Whatever, Philip thought, it’s not like any of it means anything anymore.

“I think we should wait until he wakes up,” Philip could hear Phoebe’s sleepy voice answer Lukas’ question through a yawn. 

The muscles in Philip’s stomach twisted, it reminded him of the feeling someone gets when they are about to throw up. But while he waited for the dry heaves and bile that never came, Philip realized he felt ashamed一not sick. 

Well, maybe sick of himself. 

As if his mind was working against him, Philip began to think back to the last time he woke up like this. He was in a hospital bed, the fluorescents blinding him for half a second as his eyes adjusted to the room around him. There was an EKG beeping steadily beside him, an IV poked into the pit of his elbow and a scratchy, thin white blanket fitted snugly over his body. Philip had been confused then too, he was about to jump out of bed and start accusing people of probing him. But when he sat up, the dull pain in his abdomen cleared up any questions he might have had. The doctors had gone straight to pumping Philip’s stomach after he had stumbled his way into the ER, mumbling near-incoherent descriptions of pale blue pills. 

Philip blinked the memory away as tears threatened to prick his eyes, he hated thinking about that day. He hated thinking about the look on his mom’s face when she walked into his hospital room; he hated remembering the first time he called Phoebe after the incident, trying to pass the time during his 72-hour hold. 

Philip rolled onto his side and bit his pillowcase to keep himself from crying out. Sometimes he wished he could just take all of this shame and form a blackhole out of himself. 

He stayed in bed like that, on his side with his back to the door. Every now and then he would hear the floor creak under someone’s feet from just outside his bedroom, or he would hear the front door open and close gently while someone else paced the living room一if you could even call it that一like they were too afraid to leave Philip alone with himself. 

After a while, he realized how badly his head was hurting. He had forgotten how much hangover headaches  _ sucked _ , how they felt like his brain cells were screaming at him for being a fucking idiot. He thought about getting up to grab an aspirin; if Philip could time it just right, he could run out and be back in his room in seconds while someone was in the bathroom and the other person was outside. But Philip’s limbs felt too heavy and he couldn’t risk looking at someone一or someone looking at  _ him _ 一when he felt like this. Philip hadn’t tried to kill himself last night, but if Phoebe or Lukas made eye contact with him right now, he would probably throw himself out of a window. 

It felt like hours had passed by the time Philip heard his door knob turn, but the sun was still threatening to blind him with every bright beam that shone through his window, so he knew it was still morning. Whoever had opened the door stayed in the doorway. Philip couldn’t explain how, but he knew it was Lukas. Maybe it was the way Lukas seemed to carry the essence of a quiet storm wherever he went, or maybe it was the way Philip could feel eyes watching him一 _ really _ watching him. Philip didn’t move, he didn’t even close his eyes, just laid there and waited for Lukas to leave so he could move to scratch his leg without having to have some deep conversation first. 

To be honest, Philip was surprised Lukas was still here. He assumed that Lukas was going to get the hell out of dodge after he had made the promise to go to the authorities. Philip wondered if Lukas was watching him to make sure he  _ didn’t _ move, maybe Lukas would like it better if Philip stayed in bed forever. At least then Lukas would have a reason not to go through on his promise, he could leave and never return一tell himself that Philip was too depressed to go back to Tivoli anyways. 

But Lukas never left, even after Philip heard his door close as the taller boy walked away from his room, Philip realized Phoebe was the one who kept leaving the apartment. Lukas hadn’t stepped one foot out of the front door since Philip had started paying attention to their movements. 

Philip tried not to think about Lukas staying in the apartment all night and all day, it would only give him reason to get out of bed and that was the last thing Philip wanted to do. If he got out of bed he would have to deal with shit like the impending call to Dr. Bradfield, who would make Philip go to AA again, or  _ the  _ conversation with Lukas一rather,  _ any _ conversation with Lukas. 

Philip groaned quietly and flipped onto his back. He stared at the lone glow-in-the-dark star stuck to the ceiling directly above his head. It was there when Philip had moved in, he assumed it was from a kid who had the room before him and left it there as some type of memento of their existence, a little message for whoever slept in the room after them. And though the star had long lost it’s glow, Philip liked the little story he had come up with for the faded green thing, so he left it there. 

Philip wondered what that little kid would think now, knowing that the person who took over their room was an alcoholic accomplice to a murder. 

His stomach did that twisty thing again as the thought crossed his mind, the cabin murders. 

Lukas had agreed to tell everyone about the cabin, about what he knew. Both his and Philip’s information could help solve the case. It could help Tommy and Tracy’s families finally have some closure. 

But Philip couldn’t help anyone if all he continued to do was work on permanently imprinting himself onto his mattress. 

A sigh escaped his lips as he willed his legs to move off of the bed, sitting up straight as he planted his feet firmly on the cold, wood floor. The pressure of his feet on the floorboards made the wood bend underneath them, releasing a loud  _ creeeaaak. _

Philip cringed as he heard the already quiet fussing outside his bedroom fall to a deep silence. 

Well, Philip thought, no going back now. 

The head rush he got when he stood up mixed with the jellyness of his legs caused Philip to stumble forward a bit as he gripped the door knob for support. Only it must have sounded like Philip fell because before he could even straighten himself up, Lukas was already pulling the door open and gently grabbing a hold of Philip’s waist. 

And there it was again: the hot, flushed feeling that was left behind whenever Lukas touched Philip. Five years ago, Philip would have leaned into the touch greedily; but now, Philip instinctively twitched away from the heat. 

“Whoah, take it slow,” Lukas said softly as he helped Philip stable himself. Not that Philip needed help, anyways. 

Philip looked up at Lukas一ready to spit out some sarcastic remark about knowing how to walk一but when he locked eyes with Lukas, Philip noticed just how  _ tired _ the other boy looked. The brims of his eyes were red, a stark contrast to the deep purple bags that loomed underneath them. 

Lukas must have noticed Philip staring because he turned his face out of Philip’s view as he guided him towards the tiny sage green kitchen table Phoebe had gotten off of the side of a road last summer. Phoebe sat in the chair across from where Lukas had sat Philip down, staring down at a mug filled with what Philip assumed was the last of his chamomile tea. 

The corners of Philip’s mouth turned up the slightest bit, at least he knew she wouldn’t be giving him any special treatment. 

Lukas was standing with his back towards the kitchen island, leaning on it by the heels of his palms. He stared at his shoes with knitted brows and pursed lips. 

Lukas’ phone started vibrating loudly off of the island, he didn’t look to see who was calling. It was almost eerie, the way he didn’t seem to register it was even ringing. 

The three sat there in silence as they waited for the phone call to go to voicemail. 

And once it did, the vibrating started up once again. Philip was tempted to answer it for Lukas. 

“Are you gonna get tha-” 

“Don’t bother,” Phoebe interrupted Philip with a hint of amusement in her words. “I’ve been trying to get him to answer it since last night. The least he could do is put it on silent” She finished, Philip looked over at her to see a smirk playing at her lips as she continued to look at her cup of tea. 

Philip chuckled lightly, noticing how Lukas’ eyes floated up to Philip’s when the sound left his mouth. Philip wanted him to say something一anything, really, but Lukas simply let his eyes fall back down to his shoes without saying a word. 

It was strange, when Philip was busy pitying himself in his room, he had been dreading any and all conversation with Lukas. But now that the boy was here in front of Philip once more, Philip longed to hear his voice. 

Philip continued to stare at him. He was aware that Phoebe was now looking up from her mug and directly at Philip’s face, watching him watch Lukas. Philip could usually read Lukas like a book, but now it was as though he had completely scrubbed himself of any  _ readable  _ expression. This frustrated Philip, last night’s memories may be scattered but Philip remembered how vulnerable Lukas had been. Philip liked that version of Lukas, he wanted him back. 

Phoebe sighed before moving her mug of tea towards Philip, “You can have the rest of that, I have to go check on Maddie,” she explained as she stood up and plucked her car keys off of the table. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?” 

It was more of a statement than it was a question. 

Philip nodded. 

“Bye, Lukas,” Phoebe said, patting the boy’s bicep gently before walking past him and out the front door. 

As soon as the door closed behind Phoebe, Philip wished she would have stayed. He could handle the unspoken tension between him and Lukas when there was someone else here, someone who could dilute the awkward feet shuffling and finger fiddling with small talk or badly hidden grins. But now it was just Philip and Lukas一Philip and Lukas and the ghosts of their past that had been haunting them throughout their relationship, keeping them intertwined forever, waiting for this exact moment to drag the both of them out with the changing tides. 

It was up to Philip whether the two boys sank or swam. 

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” Philip said as casually as he could, diverting his gaze away from Lukas to take a sip of the still-warm tea Phoebe had passed along to him.

Philip waited for a response as the soothing liquid travelled down his throat. His head was still pounding, reminding him that he should probably be downing a couple of aspirins right now with a bottle of water. But he liked the cozy feeling the chamomile sent throughout his body, plus, the aspirin was on the counter directly behind Lukas and Philip didn’t want to overwhelm the boy too much. 

“I know,” Lukas finally spoke, his voice just above a whisper. “You were just going to drunkenly set a bunch of shit on fire in the middle of the woods,” he pushed himself off of the island and sat in the chair across from Philip. 

Suddenly, Philip found it hard to look into the blue eyes that stared at him一the same blue eyes Philip was just begging to make eye contact with. 

“I-” Lukas began, breathing in deeply before starting up again. “I don’t know how to help you, Philip.”

Philip stared deeply into his mug, he couldn’t blame Lukas for not knowing how to help him. Philip barely knew how to help himself. 

“I thought that maybe if we went back to the way we used to be then everything would turn out alright for us,” Lukas further explained, Philip could almost  _ feel  _ those blue eyes drop towards the table. “But that was selfish, and I just fucked everything up again,” Lukas was talking through choked back sobs now, causing Philip to finally look at his face. “I haven’t been around you for even a week and I already made you relapse. Hell, I didn’t even have to be around you for you to try and kill yourself a couple years ago-” 

“Stop it,” Philip’s voice was firm as he interrupted Lukas. 

Lukas didn’t look up from the table as he wiped away a few rogue tear drops from the corners of his eyes. 

“It was the three year anniversary,” Philip spoke softly, focusing his gaze on a wall stain just above Lukas head. “I’d had a really bad day, Phoebe and I had gotten into a fight and I had just gotten scammed out of 100 bucks,” Philip laughed wryly. “You know, all of that shit almost made me forget what day it was. But then-” he pursed his lips as a sob threatened to escape his throat, “-but then my mom sent me a picture of a photo I had taken with her that day she came to visit me in Tivoli一remember that day?” 

Lukas nodded, his shaggy brown hair bobbing with the movement.

“And then it all came crashing over me, how  _ angry _ I was,” Philip let a single tear splash onto the cotton fabric of his shirt. 

“Angry at what?” Lukas asked sheepishly. Philip softened his eyes as he locked eyes with him. 

“I was angry with you,” Philip watched Lukas’ face contort in the slightest way before continuing. “I was angry with Helen and Gabe, I was angry at the fucking universe for putting me in this situation. But, overall, I just hated myself in that moment.” Philip chewed on his bottom, he could still feel the self-loathing that festered in him that night if he focused on the memory hard enough. “I kept thinking about Tommy and Tracy一about their families. I couldn’t shake the thought that I was supposed to be the one who died that day, that I deserved to die that day.” 

Lukas’ breath hitched at Philip’s words. 

“Why are you telling me this?” Lukas asked, not in a rude way. Philip thought it sounded like Lukas was asking how to repent for a sin. 

“Because you need to know that you weren’t what drove me to suicide that night,” Philip hesitantly reached over to intertwine his fingers with Lukas’. “I was fucked up before I met you, It only makes sense that I was fucked up afterwards,” Philip joked, trying his best to make the other boy laugh. Even if it was just a little bit. 

But Lukas just disconnected their hands and folded his arms tightly over his chest. 

“But I did make you drink last night,” he questioned. 

“You didn’t  _ make _ me-” 

“You wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t been a dick over the phone though, right?” Lukas argued. 

Philip opened his mouth to speak before closing it again, he didn’t know how to respond to that.    
“See?” Lukas mumbled before propping his elbows on the table and burying his face in his slender hands. 

“Lukas,” Philip called. “Lukas, look at me,” he tugged gently on Lukas’ sleeve. 

Eventually, Lukas lifted his face up just enough for Philip to see his eyes and nose. 

“You couldn’t have known what I was going to do,” Philip reassured.

His soft eyes only lasted for so long before the headache made them close tightly with a groan. “I don’t want you groveling at my kitchen table to show me how sorry you are, show me.” Philip said as he stood up, allowing his body some form of relief when he popped the two little white pills into his mouth. 

“I know, I meant what I said,” Lukas had started to calm down by the time he spoke, “I’ll tell them everything.” 

Philip stood by his fridge now, watching Lukas’ clear internal battle flash across his pale face. 

“And when you say everything,” Philip began as he walked over to stand beside Lukas, “do you mean  _ everything _ ?” Philip ran his fingers through Lukas’ hair, hoping the action would say what his words didn’t. 

Lukas leaned into Philip’s touch and stared up at the brown-eyed boy, Philip wondered what Lukas was thinking. He would never tire of trying to decipher Lukas’ mind. Philip would argue Lukas’ thought process deserved a whole college course dedicated to studying it. 

“Yes,” Lukas assured after a few beats of silence, “everything.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter for you guys...finally ;) So sorry for the long wait but I have been really busy with school and dealing with college preparation stuff, so I haven't had the time/motivation to sit down and write for four straight hours like I was able to do when I started this fic. Hope you guys liked this chapter! I should be uploading a new one relatively soon, be patient with me lol. Thank you so much for continuing to read this :)


	12. it's a shame knowing we could be good

Philip looked...different. 

Lukas thought this as he sat on the boy’s bed and watched him pack, there was a new sluggishness to his movements that Lukas had never seen before. Philip’s brown eyes weren’t as bright as they usually were, but they were just as deepーlike dark pools of oilーLukas noticed them when Philip had messed with his hair. His posture was worse than usual, his lips were pale, and an ever-present worry wrinkle had found a home between his brows. It’s not like Philip looked  _ bad _ , Lukas would never think that, he just looked rough around the edges. 

Lukas wondered if this is what Philip was like every time he drank, or is this what a relapse looks like? 

Maybe Lukas didn’t like seeing Philip like this because it reminded him of how guilty he felt for all of thisーof how guilty he  _ is _ . 

Lukas did his best to push the thought away, rolling his shoulders back until he heard a  _ pop _ followed by a release of pressure that accumulated at the base of his neck whenever he was stressed. 

Lukas was committed to doing whatever was best for Philip, and he was sure that that wasn’t ruminating in his head all day while he was supposed to be helping. 

“Oh!” Philip started as he looked up from where he was folding his shirt and smiled at Lukas. Not his typical smile, not the type of smile Lukas would expect Philip to give, it was taut and forced. “How did your race go?” Philip asked as he placed the final shirt in his duffel bag and zipped it closed. 

Lukas did his best to hide his disappointment, the last thing he wanted to talk about was his race. It only reminded him of all of the other shit he has to deal with, and he wished that stupid race never happened. Then Philip wouldn’t have relapsed; then Lukas would be able to look at that smile and not feel like he was the cause of it. 

Telling Philip he wasn’t able to race would just make things worse. 

“It was fine,” Lukas mumbled as he stood up off of Philip’s bed, grabbing the other boy’s duffel bag for him and carrying it into what looked to be an attempt at a living room. 

Philip followed Lukas out of the bedroom, and with a puzzled expression on his face he asked: “Just ‘fine’?”

Lukas sighed and placed Philip’s bag on one of the wooden chairs next to the kitchen table. 

“Yeah,” Lukas walked past Philip to grab his camera. “Fine,” he finished as he gently slung the camera around Philip’s shoulders, feeling the corners of his lips tug upwards in the slightest way. 

Lukas thought he was done for when he saw the look on Philip’s face, his eyes  _ almost _ lighting up with the “gotcha” expression that blossomed onto his features. 

“You didn’t win?” Lukas breathed a sigh of relief at Philip’s words. 

“Uh, no” Lukas tousled his hair as he thought of what to say next, “second place.” 

If he was going to lie, it might as well be realistic. 

And for being the person who suggested it first, Philip sure did look surprised at Lukas’ confession. It would have made Lukas laughーif laughing wasn’t something that could expose his lie. 

“Wh-how?” Philip sounded sad. 

Or was he more disappointed? 

“I guess I wasn’t as good as I thought,” Lukas lightly chuckled as he picked Philip’s car keys and phone up, shoving the latter in his pocket while he jangled the keys in his hand nervously. 

“That’s bullshit! You’re the best rider I've ever seen!” 

Lukas barked out a laugh without warning and looked at the other boy warmly, “Philip, I’m the only rider you’ve seen.” 

Philip rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean. I bet whoever beat you is taking steroids or something, you should talk to-” 

“Philip,” Lukas muttered as he cupped Philip’s face with his hands, enjoying the feeling of warmth that suddenly radiated off of Philip’s skin and onto his. “I don’t care, okay?” 

“That’s not true-” 

“Yes it is,” Lukas interrupted Philip once more. “I couldn’t give any less of a fuck about winning some stupid race right now.” 

And at least that wasn’t a lie. 

Philip’s eyes widened for just a moment before dropping back down to where his eyelids draped elegantly above his irises. 

“Okay,” Philip mumbled before lightly pulling his face out of Lukas’ hands. 

Lukas resisted the urge to whine at the sudden emptiness he felt as he let his arms fall down to his sides. 

“Now,” Lukas cleared his throat and forced his mouth into a grin. “Can we please go get my things? Or is part of my repentance wearing the same clothes for who-knows-how-long?” Lukas hoped his attempt at a joke didn’t seem insensitive. 

Philip just rolled his eyes as he picked his duffel bag off of the chair, but Lukas thought he could see a slight smile play at his lips when he turned to walk towards the door. 

* * *

Leave it up to the universe to make sure Lukas gets his fair share of karma. 

Philip saw him before Lukas did, he was too busy focusing on driving automatic for only the second time. 

“Isn’t that your agent?” He had said as he squinted his eyes at something off in the distance. 

Lukas whipped his head in any and every direction before catching Brett’s strong frame leaning against the apartment complex Lukas reluctantly called home. He was staring down at his phone, tapping his foot hurriedly like he always didーthere was always something going on that caused that poor man anxiety. 

Lukas swallowed hard, thankful for being in Philip’s car as he passed by Brett inconspicuously. He pulled into a spot across from the building and watched his agent for a few seconds. 

He couldn’t hide from him forever, he should have known that. 

“Lukas, what’s going on?” Philip asked from the passenger seat, innocently leaning forward to stare at Brett in the most obvious way. 

Lukas lightly pushed Philip back in his seat. 

Philip stared at him with exaggerated impatience, waiting for an explanation. 

“If I told you to stay in the car, would you?” Lukas asked as he unbuckled his seat belt. 

He jumped out of the car before Philip could even answer the question. 

After walking a few steps, Lukas turned around and was pleasantly shocked to see that Philip had stayed in the car. The boy was glaring daggers at him, however, so Lukas quickly looked away. 

Brett still had yet to notice the tall boy walking towards him, only looking up when an Uber driver hocked impatiently at Lukas’ hesitant pace while crossing the street. 

Suddenly, Lukas was grateful for catching Philip’s death stare because it prepared him for the just-as-deadly look Brett was giving him. 

“Brett-” 

“What  _ in the hell _ is wrong with you?” Brett seethed through his pristine teeth as he harshly gripped Lukas’ arm to pull him closer. He must have felt bad for the gesture, though, because he patted the long limb in apology before pulling his hand away from it. 

“I can explain,” Lukas barely got the words out before Brett was already scoffing at them. 

“Explain? Explain what? Explain how your sponsor is highly considering dropping you?” Brett argued, Lukas chewed on his bottom lip. “Explain how you just blew your only chance at competing this season?” Brett continued, waving his arms haphazardly and tossing his head back as if he was yelling at the wind. 

Lukas shoved his hands deep into the front pockets of his blue jeans and stared down at his shoes. 

Of course Lukas had thought long and hard about what the consequences of leaving the race would be, he had hours and hours to do nothing but think when he was waiting for Philip to get up. He just never thought he would have to deal with them so soon. Lukas’ plan was basically just three words: make Philip happy. Talking to his agent and sponsors didn’t fall into that plan.

“I just don’t understand  _ why, _ ” Brett began speaking again. “Who the hell were you on the phone with before the race? What could have been so important it was worth risking your whole career?” 

Lukas opened his mouth to speak, but closed it a second later. It’s not like he didn’t want to tell Brett about Philipーwell, maybe he was a little scared about thatーbut he just didn’t know where to start. What was he supposed to say? 

“Sorry I put both of our jobs at risk. I have to confess to witnessing a murder so the guy who also witnessed that murder doesn’t drink himself to death which would be really tragic for me because I love him”? 

Yeah, that would go over well. 

“Hello?” Brett snapped his fingers in front of Lukas’ dazed out expression. “Lukas, I deserve an explanation.” 

“I know-” 

“Lukas!” 

A chill ran down Lukas’ spine as he heard his father’s voice shout from behind him. Lukas never had the pleasure of going to DisneyLand or Six Flags like the rest of the kids he met throughout his childhood, so he’s never ridden a roller coaster. But he imagined that it would feel a lot similar to what he was feeling as he turned around to see Bo Waldenbeck speed-walking his way towards his son. 

His son who just lit a match to everything they’ve been working towards since Lukas was in diapers. 

“You brought him here?” Lukas whispered harshly at Brett before his dad was in earshot of them. 

“He was already banging on your apartment door when I got here,” Brett suddenly seemed a lot more sympathetic. His eyes weren’t mad at Lukas anymore, they were afraid for him. “I sent him to go look for you at the bar down the street. I’m sorry I didn’t-” 

But it was too late, Bo was only a mere foot away from his son now; rapidly closing in. 

“You better get to explaining right now, young man,” Bo demanded as he gripped at Lukas’ bicep, his fingers threatening to leave marks if Lukas didn’t do as he said. 

“Bo-” 

“You stay out of this, Brett!” Bo’s yell wasn’t directed at Lukas, but he never took his eyes off of the blue-eyed boy. 

“Dad, please,” Lukas could hear how soft his voice had become and cut his plea short, Waldenbeck men didn’t beg. 

Bo gripped Lukas’ arm tighter and pulled him swiftly out of the way of oncoming pedestrians. They only watched the scene in front of them unfold with their peripheral vision. 

Lukas kept his eyes cast downward, not daring to witness the disappointment in his father’s eyes. 

“After-” Bo took a deep breath in through his nose. “After everything I’ve done for youーeverything  _ your mom _ has done− _ did _ for you,” Bo’s voice was breaking now, as it usually did when he talked about Lukas’ mom. “And you repay us by throwing away a once in a lifetime opportunity for what?” Bo let go of Lukas’ arm to grab at his shirt now and pulled him in so close Lukas could feel the anger emitting from his father. “Hmm? Just what was more important than that race?” 

Lukas couldn’t think of a response, his mind was completely blank. This had happened before, his dad would yell at him and Lukas would just... _ freeze. _ It always only made things worse, but Lukas never knew when it was coming or how to snap out of it. 

“Bo I don’t think this is necessary-” 

“Don’t tell me how to parent my son, Brett!” Bo once again shouted at the agent, but this time Bo turned his head to face him. 

Lukas was still in the vice grip of his father and seeing through a dissociative haze when he saw Philip spring out of his car and cross the street in a matter of seconds. 

“Lukas!” Philip called out as he neared the three men. 

Bo’s face contorted in confusion as he contemplated the voice he heard, turning around only when he heard the familiar sound of combat boots hitting pavement. 

Philip didn’t look at Bo as he pulled at Lukas’ arm to direct him away from Bo. Lukas didn’t know whyーmaybe from pure shock at the sight of Philipーbut Bo let his hand fall away from where it had balled up Lukas’ shirt. 

Lukas was able to snap out of his frozen state when he realized what was going on in front of him. 

Philip and his father, in the same place. 

“Philip, I told you to stay in the car,” Lukas lectured in a hushed tone as Bo and Brett watched. Both confused, just for different reasons. 

All Philip could do was shake his head before Bo started talking again. 

“No,” Bo sighed out as he took a step back to take all of Philip in. “I don’t-I don’t understand,” Lukas noticed how his father was stammering now, something he rarely did. “Please don’t tell me  _ he _ is the reason you missed your race.” 

Lukas cringed as he felt Philip stiffen beside him at Bo’s words, he didn’t dare look at his face yet. His number one priority right now was getting Philip AND himself out of this situation with as little emotional harm as possible. He could deal with Philip’s anger later. 

“Leave Philip out of this, Dad,” Lukas warned, placing himself slightly in front of the smaller boy.

Bo scoffed and paced a few steps as he rubbed at his chin. 

“Wait,” Brett interjected. “You’re the photographer who did the photoshoot. Bo, how do you know him?” 

Bo shook his head in disbelief and glared hard at Philip. Lukas tried placing Philip completely behind him, but Philip just pulled away from his touch. 

“That kid,” Bo jeered as he lifted a pointed finger in Philip’s direction. “That kid is the reason why Lukas almost lost his sponsorship back in Tivoli, and apparently he’s the reason Lukas might lose it today.” 

Bo stepped closer to the two boys, seemingly on instinct. 

Lukas stepped up to meet him halfway. 

“Dad, I will explain everything later,” Lukas’ voice was firm now. “But you and Brett need to leave. Right now.” 

And if Lukas’ balls suddenly growing in surprised his dad, he sure didn’t show it. Bo clicked his tongue out of frustration and stalked away in the opposite direction. 

“Can someone please expla-” 

“No, Brett. Leave,” Lukas ordered, still watching his father’s back retreat down the street. 

Brett mumbled something about calling Lukas later and walked in the same direction Bo had left in. 

Lukas let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding and turned to face Philip, who was staring off into space. 

“You missed your race?” Philip asked, not moving his eyes from their current position. 

Lukas sighed and rubbed at his temples with the heels of his hands. His head hurt like a bitch. 

“Yeah-” 

“Because of me?” Was all Philip said as he finally looked up at Lukas. 

The pedestrians passing by suddenly made Lukas very uncomfortable. He didn’t like having personal conversations in general, let alone out in the middle of town. 

“No, I missed my race  _ for _ you not because of you,” Lukas refuted. 

Philip’s eyes moved like they wanted to roll, but they didn’t. 

“Same thing.” He mumbled as he crossed his arms. “Why did you lie?” 

“Because-” Lukas gently guided Philip as they stepped closer to the apartment building, “Because I knew that you were going to be upset about it, and I’ve already made you upset enough times to last a lifetime.” 

Philip stared up at Lukas, his eyes still not quite what they were just a few days ago. 

“What about your career-” 

“Ugh, fuck my career!” Lukas blurted out, running his hands through his brown hair. 

A man walking his dog mumbled in agreement under his breath. 

“I don’t care about any of that shit right now-” 

“But you will one day-” 

“Yeah,” Lukas laughed wryly. “You know what? I probably will, but right now I don’t.” 

Philip’s eyes dropped down to Lukas’ lips and Lukas could have sworn his heart stopped. 

“So what do you care about right now?” Philip asked cheekily, the flirtation in his tone and the darkness in his eyes making for a dangerous combination. 

Lukas wanted more than anything to kiss Philip again; right here, right now. 

But he was never one to give into Philip’s flirty antics, and he sure as hell isn’t now. 

Lukas smirked and ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. “Right now?” He asked. 

Philip made a soft “mmhmm” sound as he nodded his head closer to Lukas’. 

“Hmm” Lukas hummed as he leaned closer to Philip as well. “Right now I care about getting my shit packed,” Lukas whispered. 

Philip stepped back with a “tsk” and a proudly displayed middle finger as Lukas grinned wide at his successful attempt at teasing. 

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Philip said through a suppressed laugh as he followed Lukas towards the building’s front doors. 

The “asshole” in question turned to look at Philip with a toothy smile.

Philip finally let out a real, hearty chuckle.

If teasing was what made Philip laugh like this, Lukas would be an asshole as long as he needed to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all :) hope you guys liked this chapter. Again, sorry for the updates being so few and far apart. I can sit here and make excuses all day but it wouldn't take away from the fact that I'm sure that bothers you guys (as it should!). I've just been really busy with school, that's all. But anyways, don't be afraid to tell me what you think of the story so far and your thoughts/opinions; I love reading them! You guys are soooo appreciated and, as always, I hope you have a great/better rest of your day/evening.


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